Naughty Girls, Religious Bigots and Multiple Orgasms

Since I officially declared to be a feminist, I think that world decided to prove to me that there is still loads to be done in terms of gender equality, fighting against everyday sexism and misogyny. Even though we were progressing as a civilization and there is much to be proud of, but I have an impression that suddenly whole bunch of medieval bigots just woke up and decided that the modern world is waaaay to comfortable to live in and as we are struggling to bring peace in some countries (with moderate success), but until we succeed everybody everywhere should be miserable.

Just to give some examples, there is the recent “victory” of Hobby Lobby allowing companies to not cover some reproductive services for women. Then, we have a whole bunch of controversies around abortion and sexual health in Poland. Apparently, Spain also wants to restrict abortion laws. Ireland is systematically ignoring the facts about prevalence of women going to UK for abortion and prefers to turnblind eye on many subjects instead of engaging in conversation with women.

But you know what, I am myself Catholic and I respect other religious beliefs. I understand that for some premarital sex is a sin. I can understand that abortion and contraception might be morally unacceptable and therefore they are opposing to it.

And I would be fine with it, if all of those people decided to lead the War on Sex, at least they would be consistent in what they are doing. But somehow, none of them have a problem with sex per se. There is no problem when men are having sex. Women enjoying sex are the problem. And suddenly from sanctimonious prudes we have a women restricting/hating/not accepting bunch of people. It’s not a War on Sex and striving for decency. It’s the War on Women and control of their reproduction.

As somehow it was some kind of the ultimate goal to control female reproduction and the one who controls it, controls the world. For some, the idea of women making informed decisions about their own sexual life and reproduction is unthinkable. Almost a blasphemy.

I try to have balanced opinion and I try not to go on rambling about how men are doing wrong to women, because I know that sexism is hurting everybody, regardless of sex, gender or race, but I just cannot fight the impression that being women sucks on so many different levels.

I’m reading and reading and reading all of the crap that people say in public and I just cannot believe the world we are living in. Claiming that women during the war cannot be raped, because they are easy and they want to please soldiers. And even admitting that he himself had a “pleasure” to use such “service to the brave” (article in Polish). Or comparing abortion to Katyn victims (article in Polish).

And there is this prevalent, consistent and insistent claim that if women had unprotected sex SHE has to bear the consequences. Heck, if she had sex at all, she is to blame. Even if she didn’t actually want it. Even if she wasn’t conscious. Somehow, there is no men in the equation. As if all of those speakers did not considered men as active participants in sex. As if it was all about the women, our promiscuity (also wife having sex with her husband), our uncleanliness and our sinfulness. Because apparently only we are committing sin by having sex.

And there is more such absurds and I just cannot figure out that where all of this hate towards women came from. Why there is such a controversy that we can have sexual needs and want to have control over our bodies? Forget equal rights for employment and pay, that seems unattainable at the moment, but I really think that wanting everybody else to stay away from my uterus and pusy is not much to ask for.

Usually, when people have such negative feelings towards the entire group, it’s either out of fear or envy. Fear... yeah it can be, but we are going again into rambling about domination etc. and like I said, sexism, misogyny and backwards views on sexual violence hurt men as much as women. So we are left with envy. And what can all of the bigots and misogynist might envy us, women?

And then the wild idea appeared. All those people (some men) envy us MULTIPLE ORGASMS!!!

It all makes sense (maybe not really, but on some level…)! Just think about it for a second.

Let’s imagine a situation where we don’t live in current world, but there is real sexual freedom and women can have as much sex with as much men as they want and vice versa (and there was never shame assigned to this and not slutshaming etc.). Soon we would find out that there is different frequency in having sex, because men when they ejaculate, well, it’s game over for them at least for some time. They need break to regenerate. But not women. If we are turned on, we can go on for hours (days, months, years, ages). And we can enjoy orgasm, after orgasm, after orgasm…

For sure there would be some women not wanting to have sex at all (it's their right), other would find one partner and enjoy sex only with him/her (just like it is with some now), but other would dominate the field of sex! They would change men like socks, having couple of them during one night – because if one is done, then there's always another who can carry on.

Suddenly, the notion that women envy men the penis is outrageous. Why envy something that is so weak and so limited in the sexual performance? Vagina! That’s the organ that everybody should want. It’s strong, not as easily accessible and can provide countless amount of pleasure!

Probably there would be no guys left aside without sex, because once a woman would be done with men she wanted to have sex, she would probably take any guy that according to her “could do” (if she was still “on the roll”).

But generally, women would be able to criticize men for being inadequate in bed and masculinity could be measured with how many orgasms did a woman have during the intercourse with a man. It would be women’s satisfaction that is the most important and I can bet that some of women would be really cruel to men who did not fulfil their duty to satisfy them (I would not applaud that, but that how it could be).

Aaaand let’s back to reality. This situation could never be allowed for one simple reason: some men can’t bear criticism. Over the centuries men always portrayed themselves as stronger, better providers and therefore entitled to have sex with their woman or with as many women as they want. 

“Man the Conqueror” both of nations and women is the symbol of masculinity. It was always men's right to have sex and enjoy sex. Can you imagine now that such masculine warrior is being put in place by the harem of women who laugh in his face, because he finished before they even started to have fun. Nope, not going to happen.

So there was only one way to deal with this problem: repress women's sexuality. And we have religions to thank for that. Most of the “heathen” women had a special place in the mythology and usually had more rights in the society. Nordic women, Celtic women, some privileged Greek women, etc. However, with the rise in monotheistic beliefs, men hold control over what’s allowed and what’s not. Curious enough, anything that has to do with female sexual needs is somehow not allowed.

But times have changed. Women not only started to appear on the street, but we also work, we study, we have successful careers, some of us have really happy lives and some of us have really adventurous sex life. However, the years of conditioning that our sexual rights and needs are not equal to those of men, constantly push us into feeling guilt and shame after enjoying sex. We are foolish enough to believe that we will ever be equal in sexual relations. And current trend to control female reproduction is the ultimate proof.

Pregnancy and STDs are the ultimate control over our sexuality, both from nature point of view as well as political point of view. Many of us (b0th men and women) do not have random sex in fear of unwanted pregnancy and STDs (because those of you who do not know, women are more screwed in terms of sexually transmitted diseases – we are more prone to get them and most often are more severe to our health). And pregnancy is ultimately female thing (no man will ever get pregnant). But there is solution! Making contraception available to all women! However, it would mean that society places control in women’s hands – and therefore we will have control over our sex lives.

So we have some societies like Poland, Ireland, some states in USA, some Asian and African countries, where that situation is unthinkable. Because it would destroy the entire notion of masculinity and men’s privilege if it was allowed for women to have control over their sexuality! What happens next? Women have right to refuse sex?! Nooooo! Maybe women have multiple orgasms, but men have the right to release sperm!

I am being overly caustic about this issue on purpose. 

I actually do not believe that men in general are envious about multiple orgasms. And in no case it would be a better scenario, if women could treat men instrumentally and solely as “pleasure givers”. But that’s exactly the thing that women are experiencing. All of those claims about victims of rape, blaming women for their pregnancy, condemning women for wanting to use contraception, preventing women from using contraception, preventing women from having an informed decision about their bodies and lives. It’s all happening. And in the name of what?

Maybe it’s not about the multiple orgasms, maybe it’s not about envy or fear at all. Nevertheless, there is something terribly wrong with societies that allow for restriction of reproductive rights to one section of the society, while the other is being consistently perceived as blameless.

Sex is pleasurable activity and it should be enjoyed by both men and women without the blame and shame. Pregnancy is the result of action of both men and women, so either we should make greater effort to support women and teach men to be more responsible for their actions or allow both of them to make their own decisions about their future – if the man can walk away from his responsibilities towards child he conceived, then the woman should also be allowed to say “Well, I didn’t want that and I don’t want that” and have control over her future. I think that’s fair.

Also, we have to learn that sexual violence IS A CRIME. It’s unacceptable to blame a victim for a crime. Rape is amazingly tricky and somehow magically shifts the status of accused from perpetrator to victim. Both male and female victims of sexual violence should be taken care of, protected, we should show them compassion and support. Conversely, we are living in this weird dimension where ridiculing victims is accepted and even applaud.

I’m not new to discussions on feminist subjects, so I know that many of men reading this text will feel offended in a way, because they would never hurt a woman, would never think of blaming her for being attacked or would never think of making decision for their woman. 

If you are such a man, all I want to say is that you are awesome! 

But recently, all of your greatness is being obscured by bunch of misogynistic morons who think that their masculinity equals the dominance over women. Also your woman.

So it has to stop. I need you and your friends and your partners to speak against sexism, gender inequality and discrimination.

And most importantly, we all have to fight for the right to control our own bodies.

Written by Vespertilio

Photos from Motley News and Photos and Holly Woehler

WOMEN WORKING - ON THEIR LOOKS

Time to piss off some Ne-Yo fans! Time to prove, that feminist won’t stop moaning until they have it all! ;)

Since we started this month discussing popular movies, why not take a closer look at one popular video? Last time I checked it had over 65 million views and far more likes than dislikes. I’m talking about “Miss Independent” video and song. I guess some of you like it.

Before I come to bitter part, let me write something sweet first. Thanks Mr. Ne-Yo for trying your best to depict working women as desirable date and claiming that you love independent women, because they don’t want shit from you. That is progress from “gold digger” videos and yes, it feels much better to listen to a song about independent women, than “all the bitches love me” stuff. I honestly thank you for showing that man doesn't have to be scared by confident women.

However, the song and video are far from feminist dream, so sorry, I won’t be taking it as my “girl power” anthem.

First of all, how many offices have you seen filled with women who look like super models? I bet loving such a beautiful, independent women isn’t that hard after all. Women shown in the video conform to beauty standards that hardly any women meet, independent women are not exception here. If your secretary was as beautiful as a model, she would most probably become one and then play in Ne-Yo’s video about working women. I’m not saying being a model is not a job. Being a model is making money of beauty and that’s something majority of women don’t do at work. Naomi Wolf, in her book “The Beauty Myth”, calls modeling a “display profession” and describes it's correlation with feminist movement like this:

“Until women’s emancipation, professional beauties were usually anonymous, low in status, unrespectable. The stronger that women grow, the more prestige, fame, and money is accorded to display professions: they are held higher and higher above the heads of rising women, for them to emulate.”

Women face enough scrutiny in the work place for their looks and they don’t need any more reinforcement of the idea that they have to be beautiful enough, young enough or stylish enough to be worth of success.

Pressure on women to be beautiful makes them spend their precious time on unimportant tasks like researching what is trendy now, putting on makeup every day, making their hair look perfect, their nails look perfect, their butt look perfect– trying every morning to look elegant, professional, yet feminine. Even listening makes me sick. Biggest question is – for how many jobs out there, knowing what’s trendy is a crucial skill? Men simply take shower, shave, put on their suits and frankly, no one can really tell how many suits they have, because they all look so freaking similar.

Time is not the only thing working women have to waste. They also spent way too much money on beauty maintenance in order to be young for as long as possible and be visible in the work market for as long as possible. Designer clothes, anti aging creams and makeup are not cheap if any of you wondered ;) some say that professional women spend around a third of their salary to preserve their looks. Combined with the fact that average women still earns less than men for doing the same job, only increases the odds of women heaving less savings by the time they retire.

In this context, Ne-Yo’s video does a very good job for fashion and cosmetic industries, and big disservice to independent women. Keeping women’s self-esteem low (and it really cannot be very high if any women compares herself with models) is equivalent with keeping sales of often useless products high. 

Now my favorite part - lyrics. I’m always angry that the first compliment to give women is “you look good” or “you are beautiful”. It simply undermines any success you can achieve as a woman, because first and foremost you have to be beautiful. If you’re not considered pretty, but you are successful/happy, people say you are successful despite being ugly, as if it was a disability. Or they say... well you cannot have everything girl, but at least you’re happy with yourself.... Maybe you are not the most beautiful women on the planet, but hey, you are Secretary of State, not so bad! Ne-Yo’s song doesn't represent anything better, because the fist important thing is:

 “there's somethin about just somethin about the way she's move”.

What if she didn't move so sexily, would she still steal Ne-Yo’s heart?

There is something that puts me off even more than priorities, because those are really not such a big surprise. The secret to why “Miss Independent” is not so revolutionary is hidden in those verses:

“Cause she walk like a boss talk like a boss;

 Cause she move like a boss do what a boss”.

Yeah, she’s not really a boss; she just acts like a boss. Maybe that makes her so sexy? Paying her share of bill on a night out, heaving her own place, being self confident and not really putting him out of his comfort zone of being the true boss?

“She made for a boss only a boss;

Anything less she telling them to get lost”

There is no doubt in the video as to who is the boss in that office. Ne-Yo - the truly blessed man who works among the most beautiful office staff in history of this planet. Boss who has to be appeased since morning - “good morning Ne-Yo :) :) “, “good morning Ne- Yo”, because looking like a super model is not enough in that office to operate the copy machine, you also have to be pleasurable and likable without air of bossiness (licking fingers with sexy gazes at their boss or getting into his personal space are just some of the proposed ways they can achieve that). 

Honestly, evaluating looks he’s giving his employees are for me eligible for sexual harassment lawsuit. Unless of course, he’s official Head of Committee on Cleavage Supervision in his company.

In the world were money and sex appeal are often inextricable it shouldn't be such a big deal that men is confused about what’s so amazing about this girl. Is it her sexy moves, flirtatious eyes or “bills paid on time”? Even he “can't figure it out”.

Just putting it out to you girls that you should realize how deeply embedded beauty standards are in our society and even a song about independent, hard-working women has to feed us info about how we should look. I know, video without super models is not a popular video, so Ne – Yo probably “had no choice” deciding about actors – that’s exactly why I moan about beauty standards!

It is possible to be beautiful and smart, but thanks messages from popular media we began believing that if woman is not pursuing the ultimate goal of being beautiful, she’s lazy and she deserves (inevitable) punishment for not achieving this goal.

I hope you understand by now why those nasty feminists simply can’t be happy with anything or why it is, that “Miss Independent” didn't quite do the job of advertising strong, independent women in my opinion.

To summarize it quickly I would just like to say, that “half marathon” is only half of a marathon, even though it has word “marathon” in its name.

Written by Inanna

Lights! Camera! Action!

Small monologue about movies, Bechdel test, portrayal of women in movies, female representation and feminist criticism.

*Moderate spoiler alert*

I love movies. Who doesn’t. They’re a great entertainment, showing us somebody’s interpretation of reality, including reinforcement of stereotypes, discrimination, inequality…

Wait… what?

Popular movie cultures has a great impact on people’s perception on current affairs and general hierarchy in a society. Have you ever thought about why there is so little positive heroes of other ethnic origins than white? How there is almost never a white person being a sidekick to a black person? How every war movie glorifies main hero soldiers and justifies their actions, while demonizing the enemy and his actions? How popular movies set in third world countries usually concentrates on modern day corruption, deterioration of societal ties and poverty instead of complicated mechanisms that put people in the poverty, caused corruption and destroyed societies? Have you ever wonder how those movies impact on your perception of reality?

Same thing applies to the women in the movies. For some time now I am really conscious about female representation in the popular culture and I check whether the movie passes Bechdel test. Sadly, most of them don’t.

Bechdel test was developed by Liz Wallace, but was named after cartoonist Alison Bechdel, who featured the test in her comic “Dykes to Watch Out For”. It tests the female portrayal in media, mainly in the movies. To pass Bechdel test, the movie need to fulfil these three wonderfully simple requirements:

1. There has to be at least two women characters (with names).
2. These two women need to talk to each other at some point of the movie.
3. And the conversation need to be about something else than men (or one specific man).

Easy enough, isn’t it? Now think about the most recent movies that you’ve watched and think about these requirements. How many of them passed? How many of them failed?

If most of the movies are not able to fulfil those criteria than there is something wrong with the movie industry, don’t you think? And it’s even not about women being heroes, saving the day, kicking ass or whatever. It’s simple presence of women, when they are something more important to the plot instead of being an unimportant background.

It begs the question, what are those movie showing us? What are they teaching our children? What kind of reality do they create and how does it impact on our society?

Apart from Bechdel test, in those movies which are starring a female protagonists, the construction of strong female characters leaves a lot to be desired. Strength is usually portrayed as ruthlessness that most often is a result of some troubled past ergo women are never strong, they are just good at hiding their weaknesses and emotions. Moreover, many of the female heroes has some daddy issues. And each time, when she finds a man (or gets the man, or even better – has been won by a man) she abandons her strong personality in favour of being mishy mashy girl in love.

But let’s say that the main female protagonist is this strong, assertive and respected person. Did you noticed that most of them are always an exceptionally beautiful and sexualised characters? As if women were not full heroes if they do not show their cleavage. I just love when the female warrior fights entire armies with just few straps of metal covering sexual parts but exposing all of the vital parts.

And apparently most of the normal and all of the fuller women cannot be just that: strong, assertive, respected, successful. One of the few curvy female characters that was enjoyable and funny and desired, was Bridget Jones. But yet again, the whole movie was about her and a guys, so we couldn’t enjoy her iggly wiggly awesomeness independently from the men.

It seems that there is little hope in movies, but there are always animated movies and they are amazingly influential on our youngest population. And in this area I see the light and hope for feminist values. Although most of the animation feature boy heroes, the era for kickass, complicated and well-developed female and girl characters begun. 

First, there was Brave with unruly Merida who got her mom and herself into the trouble and at the end saved the kingdom, together with her mom. And together they deconstructed unfair and ancient marriage traditions.

Then, there is Frozen with Anna and Elsa – two absolutely different personalities and experiences. Elsa, powerful and wise, however always afraid of what she is capable of. Anna, sweet, naïve and hopelessly optimistic. What’s most surprising, is that the movie absolutely smashes the omnipresent “love at the first sight” depiction of relationships and “love conquers all”. Two sisters raise havoc, freeze kingdom, almost die and finally break the “curse” with sisterly love. Girl power all the way! And the "love at first sight" prince turned out to be a total asshat and absolute mistake. And the guy who got the girl is antisocial and has weird relationship with stones and reindeer.

Many feminists praise the emergence of strong female characters and herald the change in modern cinematography. However, what many of us are missing is that most of the animation has been secretly and in a sneaky way feminist in nature. Even with boy heroes and supporting female characters.

How?

Animated movies all this time were slowly and indirectly deconstructing stereotypical gender roles and definitions of masculinity and femininity. After all the princess movies, we had a wide range of different protagonists and much richer female characters, even though they are not leading heroes.

Lion King – Nala regularly kicks Simba’s ass. And he doesn’t mind this much, because he doesn’t see a strong female as a threat to his masculinity.

Mulan – girl who saved China. China! That’s a huuuuge country! And she did that alone. With her wit, egocentric little dragon and unlucky cricket.

Lilo and Stitch – amazing story without the hero and “save the day” plot. Of course Stitch saved Lilo, but it’s hardly a strong man saving a weak princess scenario.

Atlantis – that’s a choice of personalities! We have masculine general, sexy army woman, female mechanic, man with explosives, again kickass princess from ancient land and brainy but hardly masculine scientist, who happens to save the day. And defeats the masculine and strong opponent. Gender equality and deconstruction of gender roles at its best!

Among others, there is favourite animation, How to Train Your Dragon. Again not a female hero movie, but I couldn’t have dreamt about more feminist movie with a boy hero, even if I try. It’s about the boy who is clumsy, non-masculine, quite antisocial and yet he happened to be the hero at the end. We also witness great array of characters and personalities. We have Stoick, the sturdy and hot-headed but otherwise great chief of the village; Astrid the girl who was the bravest, smartest and most-skilled student in the village. We have few other male and female characters who are more in a background, such as fatty dragon specialist kid or weird twins.

In the sequel, we meet Hiccup’s mother, a great woman, with conflicted past and very strong personality. She was brave, powerful and successful in her endeavours. This movie can be acclaimed another feminist animation of the year, however… not all feminists agree. Well, it’s fine, everybody has a right to their own opinion. But some neutral/negative opinions were quite… farfetched. Basically, the main reservation was that Valka (Hiccup’s mommy) didn’t had her moment in the movie. That even though her persona is well-constructed, but isn’t developed properly. And there’s the men that came and saved the day.

I think that’s quite unfair.

I didn’t see any woman in this animation whose character hasn’t been developed properly. I’ve watched with admiration the appearance of this conflicted women, who had a purpose in her life and didn’t know how to reconcile her passion and beliefs with a family who didn’t supported her views. But I also have seen a man, who after 20 years of being left alone to raise his son and thinking that his wife was dead, had no anger in his heart, no blame, no hatred. He could only think about how much he loves his wife and how happy he is to see his family reunited again. That’s all. I think that’s pretty amazing scene.

Article by Gina Luttrell lists 7 moment’s that make How to Train Your Dragon 2 a powerful feminist movie: when the men follow the woman; when the women had power of presence, not brute force; when Valka leads a dragon resistance; when Astrid takes control; when the parents had a healthy (if complicated) relationship;  when the father sacrificed for his son and when Astrid and Hiccup are established as equals.

I could list many more reasons how this movie follows feminists values. For instance, women are fighters; the elder and wise one is a woman; when we find out that Valka did not come back all these years because she was fighting for something she strongly believed in and was very important for her; and again there is no blaming her for abandoning her family.

Furthermore, this movie teaches us a lot about equal and healthy relationships: forgiveness, even if it’s difficult; compassion; need for compromises on both sides; the need for listening to each other; and most importantly that the strongest doesn’t always have to be dominating one. We see that in relationships: father – son; husband – wife; and girlfriend – boyfriend.

What I love most about the Hiccup’s and Astrid relationship is that even though she obviously is the physically stronger one, she acknowledges Hiccup’s weaknesses and allows them to exist. And probably if she wanted, she would save the day ten times over and be back home to do some pushups. But she allows her boyfriend to have his moments, develop his ideas, be the hero. Her support doesn’t rely on leading, but on supporting the independent thinking process of her boyfriend. And as such, she is invaluable part of the process of heroism and hero-making.

I think that’s the part of male – female (or any other) relationships that’s sometimes is missing. We forget that allowing for independence and supporting somebody else’s decisions is extremely important in healthy relationship. And woman supporting a man does not have to assume submissive role, but can offer support that come from strength and intellect, and result in cooperation and mutual appreciation.

Animated movies have a greatest potential for bringing down misogyny and sexism by deconstructing stereotypical gender roles and attributes. I love the idea of complex female characters, but we have to acknowledge that the presence of boy heroes as main roles can also work towards gender equality and propagating feminist values. Because sexism doesn’t only hurts women – it’s harmful to the entire society. And I believe that if we want to bring down misogyny, the process has to start from dismantling stereotypes and boy heroes are doing exactly that. 

Written by Vespertilio

SHAMING US INTO SILENCE

In this article I would like to take a look at response of society to sexual abuse and how it influences the victim’s reaction to their experience.

It’s always neat to start up with some stats, like “every two minutes woman in USA will be sexually assaulted”, but the fact is – I wouldn't give a penny for rape, molestation or child molestation statistics. Why? According to RAINN 60% of rapes are not reported. I know way too many people who were sexually assaulted and never reported it and I would go for more than 60% unreported cases, way more than that. This underreporting can actually be a landslide number, so yes, I don’t pay attention to rape statistics. 

RAINN statistics 

I would like to discuss rape and molestation from perspective of European and American societies, not even going into arguments of why in countries like Egypt or Saudi Arabia rape is statistically nonexistent. (In fact, following statistics can make you believe, that Egypt is a country with one of the least number of rapes. Whom are we kidding? Women were being gang raped during protests in Tahrir Square, so do you think this is how safe country for women looks like?)

As many brutal cases of rape proved it, we have collective problem in judging sexual crimes. I am not going to discus court rulings here, I would like to look at reactions to rape of news recipients, people watching TV and reading newspaper articles. Every now and then some story makes its way into mainstream media and that gives us an update of what people really think about sexual abuse victims.

People tend to talk about the victim, not the rapist. 

Orange County gang rape  is a good example of how sexual assault polarizes the society. In this case, video showing an unconscious teenager being brutally raped (meaning: penetrated without consent, she was unconscious for God’s sake!) by 3 jolly boys is not enough to prove that this girl is a victim and deserves our support and sympathy.  Victim of rape was publicly proclaimed a slut and has to live around people who believe she ruined lives of 3 nice boys, by sending them to prison for 7 years (yes, in the eyes of law this brutal act deserved punishment of 7 years only). 

"She was drunk, she got horny", "she wanted it, but she's ashamed of it now, so she calls it rape", "what was she doing in a party anyway??" - That's what we call slut shaming, honey. 

Her friends were happy to testify in favor of rapists, and even today they go on Internet to spread lies about her. Long story short, thanks to people's sympathy to the rapist, this girl is constantly shamed and scrutinized, because living with the pain of being rape survivor is not enough. And maybe case is old, it happened in 2004, but these comments about it are fairly recent, which only shows what victim of this crime has to put up with even 10 years after rape happened. 

More about ex-friends here

Court trial is hard enough for any sexual assault victim, but public prosecution is nastier and it can go on forever. Guilty verdict for rapist doesn't mean anything for people who already decided the girl is a slut and most probably, they will never change their minds. 

Another brilliant example of how rape victims are perceived by a society and are depicted in media, was the statement of George Will claiming that young women in college report rape, because of the future priviledges they will receive as rape survivor. The statement is ridiculous in itself, not to mention that it's unworthy of educated successful person. We hear so little stories from rape survivors and all of them are gruesome and heartbreaking. I cannot imagine what kind of privileges could possibly await the rape victim. 

In response to this outrageous statement, sexual violence survivors are sharing their experience on Twitter with hashtag #SurvivorPriviledge. It's worth reading for anybody, who even considers that being a rape survivor is an awesome thing and puts you in exclusively privileged group of people. 

Another interesting statistic is the number of false rape accusations. Because that's what drives the disbelief for EVERY rape and sexual violence victim, because there is soooo many women and girls who "cry wolf". Well, it couldn't be further from the truth. Official statistics in countries such as USA or many countries in EU indicate that false reports constitute between 2-10% of all rape reports. Not cases - reports. So if we take the official statistics and we take into consideration real life rape cases that hasn't been reported, false accusations make up for really really really tiny part of all rape instances. So why we as a society persist to question the truthfulness of rape survivors, when more than 90% of them reported a crime that really happened?

Even though that most of the legal definition of rape it is stated that absence of yes is a presence of no, but absence of no is not the presence of yes. Consent is stated and defined clearly, but somehow people are still ready justify rape and rapists if the victim didn't yell with all her power "no, don't do this, noooooo!"


Reporting rape is like going through hell for the assaulted. And I didn't even talk about treatment by police and doctors who can be just as judgmental as all rape apologists writing comments on Internet!!!! Living with a stigma of a slut is nothing that any person dreams of, so many just chose to stay quiet. Many women and men know that it will be too hard to prove their innocence, so they don’t even try and live with sense of injustice ever after.

If we have such problem sympathizing with a girl who was drugged and had juice cans pushed into her vagina, how can we ever sympathize with a victim of molestation or child molestation where there are no screams, no blood, no bruises, no witnesses, only victim’s feeling of violation, feeling of being raped? 

Molesters are most often people we trust. Fathers, mothers, uncles, family friends, teachers. We are taught since we are little not to talk to strangers, not to trust outsiders, so when we are out on the streets we have our guards up, we are careful. If we are assaulted by a stranger we know what to call it, after all we didn't have anything to do with this person. But how to react when person who hurts us is our father or other trusted person? They wouldn't do anything to hurt us, would they? Whom to turn to when it is our parent/friend of a parent/family member who is hurting us? Saying that they hurt us would make them feel bad and we shouldn't hurt family. Isn't that correct? 

Fear and inability to define what kind of wrong had been done is another reason for victims to stay quiet and not to report the crime to anyone.

Perhaps, accepting that a little girl molested by an adult is a victim is not that difficult. After all, she’s just like 5 or 8 years old, she couldn't possibly know what was being done to her. With boys it’s a little harder. We tend to feel less sympathetic for them; it’s again our broken perceptions about gender in action. Sexual abuse is something that happens mostly to women, we think. But this opinion is based on statistics and you already know what I think about them. Men are not likely to report sexual abuse, because it’s a shame for a man not to enjoy sex or let women be dominant, take control of his body; it would prove he’s not strong enough, not manly enough.

What about teenagers and adults who were molested, especially when victims are male? Again, there was no penetration, no blood to show in a shocking movie or TV series, but somebody forced victim to touch him/her, forced victim to watch sexual action like masturbation, stimulated victim’s genitals or forced him/her to oral sex.

Are we able to feel bad for them? Are we able to believe when they say “I was molested, I didn't enjoy it, and I didn't want it. I wish I could forget what happened to me.”?

If we can call victim of rape a slut, what do we call a victim of molestation? A liar? Storyteller? Even the word “molestation” doesn't represent the true weight of this crime. Rape is scary, molestation is something, well, it can be anything. Who cares about a boy who saw old priest masturbating if we don’t care about a gang raped girl?

There are families where generations of girls are subjected to molestation and they can’t open their mouths to stop their perpetrator, because they don’t have soft cushion of support around them. All they have is dark mass of people waiting to call someone a WHORE.

I’m sorry for writing “we don’t care”, but as long as we don’t challenge rape apologists, both online and offline, we are complicit to slut shaming and perpetuation of rape culture.

To make things even more cheerful, there is no agreement on a simple thing as what (instinctively) is meant by sexual violence and rape. Well, the boy hasn't been touched, he was just forced to watch, so it wasn't sexual abuse, was it? Or the girl didn't had anything put in her vagina, so it wasn't rape. Or the tearing and burns and bleeding around victims intimate parts could just as well be a result of consensual sex, isn't that right? Well, we have a proof of intercourse, but it's her word against his and his reputation. Of course we won't believe her.

Can you imagine the situation that you have a drunk driver who hits a woman on a crossing, but instead at looking what happened you are justifying the driver, because he is such a good man, but he had just too many drinks. And anyway what was she doing on that crossing? You wouldn't blame the victim (woman) for getting hit by a drunk driver, because he shouldn't have done that, especially if he is a decent guy! So why suddenly the same drunk man is excused when he forces himself on a girl and rapes her? Why those situations strengthen the perception of decency of the perpetrators and weakens the reliability of the victim? After watching/hearing/reading about what those boys from Orange County did to that girl, how can anybody believe that they are decent boys? The act in itself was repulsive and they did that with the smile on their faces! What kind of decent person does that?

All of us, encouraging survivors to tell their stories would help society to open their eyes and ears to crimes that can take place only when we are not looking, only when we are not listening, only when we choose not to talk about them. Molestation and rape continue to happen because we, as the society, prefer to scrutinize morals of the victim, not morals of the perpetrator.

I personally don’t think that during my life time people will understand that victim doesn't have to be bruised up and covered in blood to be a victim. There are crimes that leave only mental scars  and we should be civilized enough to acknowledge them and their harmfulness. There is no other crime like rape where evidence don't matter - what matters is a proved "decency" of a perpetrator and alleged "slutness" of a victim. 

Victim shaming works in favor of the criminals, it creates an atmosphere of impunity. We can stop rape culture, you can stop rape culture. Don't judge other people when you don't know their story, don't call other women "sluts" or "whores". Understand, that dress is not a reason for rape. Make up, drinking and even flirting is not a "yes". 

Talk about rapists, not the victims.

If you are survivor of sexual abuse, talk about it, write about. Your story is important and it can help saving other people from experiencing the same hell you had to go through.

Written by Inanna and Vespertilio

P.S. If you are a victim of sexual violence and you struggle to come to terms with what happened to you, have a look at our section "Food for Thought" and have a look at the materials written by Dr Nina Burrowes. She found a simple way to show the victims of this crimes that you are not alone and that you can be helped with whatever you are going through.