Open Letter to All Negative and Hateful People

It’s been a while since we posted something on our blog, and we’re sorry for that. Reasons for that varies: lack of time, holidays, new places, new people, new adventures.

Mainly we haven’t written anything, because we are tired. Since we started to write this blog, we follow various news outlets and women-centered stories and we are surrounded by enormous pile of shit, it’s unbelievable. 

Of course, we should expect that, nobody promised us roses and daisies and that all be just cuddly, sweet and super – duper cool and we all be friends once we start the feminist blog.

We knew it’s going to be hard.

Nevertheless, the amount of hatred and negative energy and resentment towards women and any subject (even remotely) connected to feminism is just suffocating. It’s overwhelming. It’s appalling.

If I see any bit of news where the rape victim is blamed for her assault; where somebody is saying something so absolutely and terrifyingly sexist and stupid; where an influential speaker lacks the understanding of basic mechanisms of functioning of society, human body or psychology; where a person gets criticized for defense of somebody’s rights – I swear to God, I’m going to scream, yell, throw a tantrum and go on maniac spree where I will be painting dicks on government’s buildings. 

I’m serious.

In terms of gender equality, feminism, sexual orientation, sexual attraction, gender roles, sexual violence, misogyny and patriarchy, there is whole wide world out there of different opinions. Unfortunately, those most offensive and hateful are the one that are yelled the loudest.

I just cannot understand how much hate and negativity people bear inside of them. Is it really that difficult to understand that everybody wants normal and happy life? Is it so terrible that I, as a woman, may see the problems in modern society and just want to feel safe and have the same prospects as men? I don’t want your money, I just want the sense of security that I’m protected by law and government from exploitation, sexual assault, domestic violence, trafficking and discrimination. Is it really that much to ask?

And what about all other-than-heterosexual people? Is it really that much of a tragedy that they will commit to a person of the same sex? Many countries are accepting gay marriage and somehow the world didn’t devilishly turned upside-down. So why is it still such a tragedy to “God fearing” but really hypocritically backwards societies to accept that everybody has a right to a family, to love and be loved by a person of their choice?

Transgender and transsexual people! They are just want to bring the world to an end! If we ever see the world crumbling down, it’s because of them. How DARE they defy God’s decisions? If the God gave them penis, they are bound to love that penis and cherish that penis for the rest of their life. If the God gave them vagina, it’s designed to give pleasure to the penis, so don’t you dare getting rid of it!

For crying out loud, it doesn’t hurt society and people if one person just changes some things about their body. You can’t see it from the Eiffel Tower, you can’t see it from the moon, so it really doesn’t destroy the grand scheme of things. But it might, just MIGHT make somebody happier about and with themselves.

That’s just the few examples of the hatred and discrimination and hostility that other people endure. Most often the people who dare to be different, who dare to stand out, who dare to disagree with generally accepted norms and who dare to speak up are the ones who takes the most beatings.

So I have a message to all of those hateful and discriminating people. And other people as well.

In life and in society there are two things: things that matter and things that don’t matter.

What doesn’t matter is your opinion.

Sure, you have a right to an opinion, but generally speaking, your opinion is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if you are a “normal” person and it shouldn’t definitely matter if you are a politician or a public person. And most importantly, nobody’s opinion, that is in any way potentially discriminatory, should be taken into consideration when deciding about other people lives. Somebody’s interpretation of religious norms cannot be considered when implementing a piece of legislation. It cannot be considered when talking about other people freedoms and rights. And it unquestionably cannot lead to limitation of the rights of others.

The thing that matters is whether every person that is a part of a society, community or locality has equal rights. Can he or she do whatever they want with their life? Their career? Their future? Their body? Can her or she participate in a social life in the same way than another he or she can?

The thing that matters is that you have no right to limit freedoms of others. You have no right to spread your hate and suffocate others with your bigotry and self-ideation. There is a freedom of speech, you have a right to speak – but have also the right to remain silent. But it would be advisable for you to use the second option more often.

You have a right to have an opinion, to have your say, but don’t think for even the moment that you have a right to shove it in the faces of the others that you deem unworthy of existing. You are not creating a better future with your hatred, you are not creating anything. You are leading to a destruction of norms and deterioration of society.

I’m watching the news and I don’t believe in what I’m seeing. In Poland there is a medieval level discussion about domestic violence, with politicians and priests speaking against European Treaty on Violence Against Women. They cannot come up with a comprehensive legislation, because some politicians are against any other definition of family than “catholic” one. Also Poland is dragging its feet in terms of civil partnership or same-sex marriages, because… it’s against the “normal” definitions of families.

I see here four families? What about you?

You know what you can do with your limited definition of family? You can stick into your… significant bottom of the body. I don’t care whether you think that me and my partner are a family. I don’t care. For me, we ARE and that’s what matters. And only that should matter.

I hear the cavemen-style conversation about women being subordinate, wanting to be raped and deserving to be beaten. I see people protesting against equal rights for gay or transgender people, sex education, contraception, abortion, just basically anything that doesn’t concern them, but could somehow make other people’s life easier.

It’s sickening.

I just encountered the story, where anti-abortionists suggest euthanasia for raped women, because if they are willing to “kill” one of the rapists victims – a child, we can also kill the second victim as well. I will not even go into deeper discussion about abortion and all of the shit that “pro-life”, but really pro-nobody-f****-knows-what (because definitely it’s not life) claims. But how can a person, a man, who will NEVER get pregnant, be so fast to judge another person, their decision, their willingness to pick up the pieces after a traumatic event and carry on with what’s left of their normality. 

If you are a man, shut up on the topics of how it is to be a woman.

You are a woman who leads happy successful life? Shut up when the women who didn’t have as much luck as you do speak up of what happened to them.

You are white? Never dare to say that racism doesn’t exist and black people do not encounter any discrimination. And don’t you ever dare to say that immigrants are to blame for any mishaps in your country. You and other citizens fucked up, not them.

You are heterosexual person sure of their sexuality? Just don’t talk about how confused gay, bisexual or other-than-heterosexual people are. You now nothing, you are not them, so just shut up and let them be.

Are you happy with God-given gender? Good for you. But don’t use that God to bring down, humiliate and bully people who are convinced that God might have made mistake and they are on the path to correct that mistake.

Or maybe he is a guy who wears dreasses. Good for him, most of dresses are super comfy. You think he is disgusting? You are disgusting. He doesn't impact on your life, so stop trying to impact on his.

How can we claim to celebrate life, when most of us lack empathy, sympathy, warmth, understanding, willingness to understand (to any degree). Why is self-righteous bigotry so glorified and cherished, while any sign of solidarity with discriminated, underprivileged, victimized and invisible condemned and even socially punished?

My conclusion is as follows: if it doesn’t limit your basic human rights (below), but you don’t agree with it, just shut up and deal with it. If it does limit your rights and freedom, fight against it, but always remember – your freedom ends where another person’s starts.

Written by Vespertilio

P.S. For those who have no idea what human rights are, here is the link to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the European Convention on Human Rights. There is a high chance that you live in a country that accepted the Declaration, so get familiar with it and just try to respect rights of others.

P.S. 2. Last but not least... Song for all haters.

That little freakin’ devil that’s always around…

That little freakin’ devil I’m talking about is everyday sexism, obviously. However, today I would like to talk about acceptance of everyday sexism. We as a society are slowly starting to be sensitive to open and hostile examples of sexism – domestic violence, hateful comments,  etc. but we are still either ignorant or passive towards these small displays of sexism that seems like nothing. But they are something. Something actually quite big. And very serious.

Because even the smallest example of sexism, such as jokes or remarks indicates that there is prevalent tendency for treating women with contempt and at the same time undermining their circumstances, successes, achievements, themselves.

The worst thing is that we’ve learned to ignore the exhibits of sexism so not to be perceived as uptight or, even worse, feminist! Especially women are quietly putting up with all the jokes, pinches and insults delivered by men in a “non-serious” fashion, because we are conditioned that women and their issues are perfect subjects to joke about.

So we are told to lighten-up when we hear a joke about rape (because obviously it’s the best subject to joke about) or domestic violence (“taming your woman”) or vaginas (because something that gives a men so much pleasure and holds so much power needs to be laughted at) or lack of professionalism (“If you were a man it would be done better”) and being overly emotional in a conversation (“Control your hormones”). Jokes are a part of everyday interaction, so we should just accept them and come to terms with this sad reality.

Sometime ago I went with my boyfriend to hang out with his friends. At one time it became apparent that there was a feminist in a room (Oh my God, it’s me!) and sexist. I bore some of the remarks (even though those wasn’t really sophisticated), but I cracked up in one point. The abovementioned sexist ask my boyfriend a question:

“What would you prefer: to be with very sexy woman who cheats on you or with a normal good girl who is faithful to you?”

My boyfriend at first had no idea what’s the deal, so he said that basically he is with the sexiest and bestest woman ever who is faithful to him, so it’s no brainer (Awwwwww, he’s a sweetheart!). But the sexist pressured him to give an answer, so my bf replied that of course he would prefer to be with a girl who is faithful to him.

Than the friend asked again: “Well, but would you prefer to eat cake with friends or eat shit alone?”

WTF?!

I was shocked. For me it was like a slap in the face. With a chair. How could ANYBODY feel entitled to compare another human being to shit? How full of yourself (or shit) you have to be to even allow yourself to make this kind of comparison of another people? And feeling that you are in a position to make distinctions between “pretty” and “shitty” woman and subsequently have a real power over validation which women belong to which category.

I’m embarrassed to say as a result of shock I said few stupid misandrist jokes (I hate those, but I really wanted to make him shut up in a most belittling way possible). I achieved my goal (he shut up), but I still feel bad for saying insults towards men (it’s really not my style).

But that’s not all. The situation got even more shocking when, after all of this, I got to talk with other women in the room. They told me to not care about him and his jokes, because it’s just the way he is. Their solution is to just ignore his jokes and then everybody will be happy (because we don’t want to create a tense situation, because somebody might get offended).

If you don't want to listen
to me, then listen to
Ryan Gosling

Why people are so reluctant to object when another person displays sexist and misogynistic attitudes? Why is hardly anybody ever standing up to this kind of jokes and let others know that it’s not funny? Why we keep accepting sexist jokes, even though these are hurtful, offensive, prejudiced and most of the time absolutely unfunny?

I’ve been in various social situations when some controversial jokes where said and somebody stood up to a joker. Those included racist jokes (Man, it’s racist, it’s not funny), jokes about dead foetuses (that’s disgusting, I don’t find this funny), jokes about handicapped people or with some illness (Sick people are no laughing matter, not cool, dude). etc. But I’ve never been a witness to man standing up to sexist jokes. As if those existed in some kind of realm of immunity – a person can be openly sexist in jokes and nobody says anything in fear of…

Yeah, of what? Being called uptight? A bore? Oh wait… a feminist? What’s so terrible about that?

I had this rule about the jokes that if they are about a group of people (men, women, blacks, Chinese, Mexicans, etc.), I find them funny only if you can substitute a certain group with any other (usually the main privileged one) and the jokes will still be funny.

Of course, there are some jokes where the main character cannot be exchange into anything else (jokes about talking parrot), but those are usually not insulting to the main subject of the joke. But that’s beside the point.

Let’s take the abovementioned joke and apply my rule (and let’s make it even more stereotypically womanish).

Vespertilio: Inanna, what would you prefer: to be with this sexy and super rich guy who cheats on you or with a normal, quite poor, but good man who is faithful to you?

Inanna: Well, Vespertilio, I would most certainly prefer to be with a faithful guy.

Vespertilio: Seriously? Well, but do you think is better to share caviar with friends in a posh restaurant or to eat shit alone in a shack?

(To be honest, I feel ashamed to even write this to prove a point). 

Ashamed lion to show you how ashamed I feel.

What are your feelings towards this joke now? Is it offensive? Too aggressive? Too man-hating? Does it treat men as objects?

Now the big question: How many men do you know that would feel offended by this joke?

And if you were a part of audience, would you say something to a woman who said this joke?

I know I would, but I did remark the first joke as well. How about you?

Let’s get back for a second to the deliverer of a joke. The sexist. I just don’t get it. Where does this masculine sense of entitlement come from? How can any man feel to hold the right to debase ANY woman?

In this case we have to spectrums: me, who never comments on somebody appearance, because I’m not a beauty and besides I feel that everybody is beautiful in way; and him, a man who feels that he has a right to judge.

If you want to have a woman that looks like
Victoria Secret model, you should look like
one of Calvin Klein models.

But after that joke, I looked at him and I saw him with critical eye and the situation just got hilarious and ridiculous at the same time. There he was, this almost middle-aged man, fat, bold, with questionable hygiene and not really pleasant appearance, who has been alone for a long time, unable to pick up a girl (I know it from his various stories), afraid of rejection, who has nothing special to offer to a woman (he was neither sexy, handsome, smart, witty nor well-spoken), and yet he felt that he has a choice of women and he can choose a porn star over a normal, but in his eyes “shitty” woman.

Well that’s just bullshit.

I remember once my friend said that equality between women and men will be achieved when this fat, sweaty, bolding, unattractive woman will be walking down the street and she will be convinced that every men on the street wants to have sex with her. Well, there is nothing wrong with high self-esteem, but when this self-esteem translates into certainty of privilege to somebody’s attention, body and integrity, then we are a witnesses of everyday sexism.

Everyday sexism is a phenomenon which disproportionally befall the women. Staring, catcalling, grabbing, harassing, stalking in public places and belittling, degrading and humiliating in workplace, schools, social gatherings. Just from the top of my head I can describe many situations where I’ve been grabbed, harassed, slapped in the ass. I’ve been a victim of frotters, voyeurs, stalkers and flashing. Countless of times I’ve heard that I’m less intelligent, vain, emotional and irrational – all judgements based on the fact that I’m a woman. And since I’m declared feminist, nobody values my opinion, because it’s perceived as distorted, irrational and overly aggressive (even though I didn’t have a possibility to speak my mind, not to mention raise my voice).

And above all of that I was put into the category “women like shit” by some insolent and half-wit sexist, who believed that he’s male privilege allows him to comment on women in any way he pleases, because it’s his "birth right".

Everyday sexist is serious not because of the level of harassment it implies, but mainly because it’s scope and prevalence. Every woman has plenty stories to tell. But the worst thing about everyday sexism is that it widely unrecognised, ignored and depreciated issue that all of the women of all ages are facing.

Written by Vespertilio

Naughty Girls, Religious Bigots and Multiple Orgasms

Since I officially declared to be a feminist, I think that world decided to prove to me that there is still loads to be done in terms of gender equality, fighting against everyday sexism and misogyny. Even though we were progressing as a civilization and there is much to be proud of, but I have an impression that suddenly whole bunch of medieval bigots just woke up and decided that the modern world is waaaay to comfortable to live in and as we are struggling to bring peace in some countries (with moderate success), but until we succeed everybody everywhere should be miserable.

Just to give some examples, there is the recent “victory” of Hobby Lobby allowing companies to not cover some reproductive services for women. Then, we have a whole bunch of controversies around abortion and sexual health in Poland. Apparently, Spain also wants to restrict abortion laws. Ireland is systematically ignoring the facts about prevalence of women going to UK for abortion and prefers to turnblind eye on many subjects instead of engaging in conversation with women.

But you know what, I am myself Catholic and I respect other religious beliefs. I understand that for some premarital sex is a sin. I can understand that abortion and contraception might be morally unacceptable and therefore they are opposing to it.

And I would be fine with it, if all of those people decided to lead the War on Sex, at least they would be consistent in what they are doing. But somehow, none of them have a problem with sex per se. There is no problem when men are having sex. Women enjoying sex are the problem. And suddenly from sanctimonious prudes we have a women restricting/hating/not accepting bunch of people. It’s not a War on Sex and striving for decency. It’s the War on Women and control of their reproduction.

As somehow it was some kind of the ultimate goal to control female reproduction and the one who controls it, controls the world. For some, the idea of women making informed decisions about their own sexual life and reproduction is unthinkable. Almost a blasphemy.

I try to have balanced opinion and I try not to go on rambling about how men are doing wrong to women, because I know that sexism is hurting everybody, regardless of sex, gender or race, but I just cannot fight the impression that being women sucks on so many different levels.

I’m reading and reading and reading all of the crap that people say in public and I just cannot believe the world we are living in. Claiming that women during the war cannot be raped, because they are easy and they want to please soldiers. And even admitting that he himself had a “pleasure” to use such “service to the brave” (article in Polish). Or comparing abortion to Katyn victims (article in Polish).

And there is this prevalent, consistent and insistent claim that if women had unprotected sex SHE has to bear the consequences. Heck, if she had sex at all, she is to blame. Even if she didn’t actually want it. Even if she wasn’t conscious. Somehow, there is no men in the equation. As if all of those speakers did not considered men as active participants in sex. As if it was all about the women, our promiscuity (also wife having sex with her husband), our uncleanliness and our sinfulness. Because apparently only we are committing sin by having sex.

And there is more such absurds and I just cannot figure out that where all of this hate towards women came from. Why there is such a controversy that we can have sexual needs and want to have control over our bodies? Forget equal rights for employment and pay, that seems unattainable at the moment, but I really think that wanting everybody else to stay away from my uterus and pusy is not much to ask for.

Usually, when people have such negative feelings towards the entire group, it’s either out of fear or envy. Fear... yeah it can be, but we are going again into rambling about domination etc. and like I said, sexism, misogyny and backwards views on sexual violence hurt men as much as women. So we are left with envy. And what can all of the bigots and misogynist might envy us, women?

And then the wild idea appeared. All those people (some men) envy us MULTIPLE ORGASMS!!!

It all makes sense (maybe not really, but on some level…)! Just think about it for a second.

Let’s imagine a situation where we don’t live in current world, but there is real sexual freedom and women can have as much sex with as much men as they want and vice versa (and there was never shame assigned to this and not slutshaming etc.). Soon we would find out that there is different frequency in having sex, because men when they ejaculate, well, it’s game over for them at least for some time. They need break to regenerate. But not women. If we are turned on, we can go on for hours (days, months, years, ages). And we can enjoy orgasm, after orgasm, after orgasm…

For sure there would be some women not wanting to have sex at all (it's their right), other would find one partner and enjoy sex only with him/her (just like it is with some now), but other would dominate the field of sex! They would change men like socks, having couple of them during one night – because if one is done, then there's always another who can carry on.

Suddenly, the notion that women envy men the penis is outrageous. Why envy something that is so weak and so limited in the sexual performance? Vagina! That’s the organ that everybody should want. It’s strong, not as easily accessible and can provide countless amount of pleasure!

Probably there would be no guys left aside without sex, because once a woman would be done with men she wanted to have sex, she would probably take any guy that according to her “could do” (if she was still “on the roll”).

But generally, women would be able to criticize men for being inadequate in bed and masculinity could be measured with how many orgasms did a woman have during the intercourse with a man. It would be women’s satisfaction that is the most important and I can bet that some of women would be really cruel to men who did not fulfil their duty to satisfy them (I would not applaud that, but that how it could be).

Aaaand let’s back to reality. This situation could never be allowed for one simple reason: some men can’t bear criticism. Over the centuries men always portrayed themselves as stronger, better providers and therefore entitled to have sex with their woman or with as many women as they want. 

“Man the Conqueror” both of nations and women is the symbol of masculinity. It was always men's right to have sex and enjoy sex. Can you imagine now that such masculine warrior is being put in place by the harem of women who laugh in his face, because he finished before they even started to have fun. Nope, not going to happen.

So there was only one way to deal with this problem: repress women's sexuality. And we have religions to thank for that. Most of the “heathen” women had a special place in the mythology and usually had more rights in the society. Nordic women, Celtic women, some privileged Greek women, etc. However, with the rise in monotheistic beliefs, men hold control over what’s allowed and what’s not. Curious enough, anything that has to do with female sexual needs is somehow not allowed.

But times have changed. Women not only started to appear on the street, but we also work, we study, we have successful careers, some of us have really happy lives and some of us have really adventurous sex life. However, the years of conditioning that our sexual rights and needs are not equal to those of men, constantly push us into feeling guilt and shame after enjoying sex. We are foolish enough to believe that we will ever be equal in sexual relations. And current trend to control female reproduction is the ultimate proof.

Pregnancy and STDs are the ultimate control over our sexuality, both from nature point of view as well as political point of view. Many of us (b0th men and women) do not have random sex in fear of unwanted pregnancy and STDs (because those of you who do not know, women are more screwed in terms of sexually transmitted diseases – we are more prone to get them and most often are more severe to our health). And pregnancy is ultimately female thing (no man will ever get pregnant). But there is solution! Making contraception available to all women! However, it would mean that society places control in women’s hands – and therefore we will have control over our sex lives.

So we have some societies like Poland, Ireland, some states in USA, some Asian and African countries, where that situation is unthinkable. Because it would destroy the entire notion of masculinity and men’s privilege if it was allowed for women to have control over their sexuality! What happens next? Women have right to refuse sex?! Nooooo! Maybe women have multiple orgasms, but men have the right to release sperm!

I am being overly caustic about this issue on purpose. 

I actually do not believe that men in general are envious about multiple orgasms. And in no case it would be a better scenario, if women could treat men instrumentally and solely as “pleasure givers”. But that’s exactly the thing that women are experiencing. All of those claims about victims of rape, blaming women for their pregnancy, condemning women for wanting to use contraception, preventing women from using contraception, preventing women from having an informed decision about their bodies and lives. It’s all happening. And in the name of what?

Maybe it’s not about the multiple orgasms, maybe it’s not about envy or fear at all. Nevertheless, there is something terribly wrong with societies that allow for restriction of reproductive rights to one section of the society, while the other is being consistently perceived as blameless.

Sex is pleasurable activity and it should be enjoyed by both men and women without the blame and shame. Pregnancy is the result of action of both men and women, so either we should make greater effort to support women and teach men to be more responsible for their actions or allow both of them to make their own decisions about their future – if the man can walk away from his responsibilities towards child he conceived, then the woman should also be allowed to say “Well, I didn’t want that and I don’t want that” and have control over her future. I think that’s fair.

Also, we have to learn that sexual violence IS A CRIME. It’s unacceptable to blame a victim for a crime. Rape is amazingly tricky and somehow magically shifts the status of accused from perpetrator to victim. Both male and female victims of sexual violence should be taken care of, protected, we should show them compassion and support. Conversely, we are living in this weird dimension where ridiculing victims is accepted and even applaud.

I’m not new to discussions on feminist subjects, so I know that many of men reading this text will feel offended in a way, because they would never hurt a woman, would never think of blaming her for being attacked or would never think of making decision for their woman. 

If you are such a man, all I want to say is that you are awesome! 

But recently, all of your greatness is being obscured by bunch of misogynistic morons who think that their masculinity equals the dominance over women. Also your woman.

So it has to stop. I need you and your friends and your partners to speak against sexism, gender inequality and discrimination.

And most importantly, we all have to fight for the right to control our own bodies.

Written by Vespertilio

Photos from Motley News and Photos and Holly Woehler