Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Naughty Girls, Religious Bigots and Multiple Orgasms

Since I officially declared to be a feminist, I think that world decided to prove to me that there is still loads to be done in terms of gender equality, fighting against everyday sexism and misogyny. Even though we were progressing as a civilization and there is much to be proud of, but I have an impression that suddenly whole bunch of medieval bigots just woke up and decided that the modern world is waaaay to comfortable to live in and as we are struggling to bring peace in some countries (with moderate success), but until we succeed everybody everywhere should be miserable.
Just to give some examples, there is the recent “victory” of Hobby Lobby allowing companies to not cover some reproductive services for women. Then, we have a whole bunch of controversies around abortion and sexual health in Poland. Apparently, Spain also wants to restrict abortion laws. Ireland is systematically ignoring the facts about prevalence of women going to UK for abortion and prefers to turnblind eye on many subjects instead of engaging in conversation with women.
But you know what, I am myself Catholic and I respect other religious beliefs. I understand that for some premarital sex is a sin. I can understand that abortion and contraception might be morally unacceptable and therefore they are opposing to it.
And I would be fine with it, if all of those people decided to lead the War on Sex, at least they would be consistent in what they are doing. But somehow, none of them have a problem with sex per se. There is no problem when men are having sex. Women enjoying sex are the problem. And suddenly from sanctimonious prudes we have a women restricting/hating/not accepting bunch of people. It’s not a War on Sex and striving for decency. It’s the War on Women and control of their reproduction.
As somehow it was some kind of the ultimate goal to control female reproduction and the one who controls it, controls the world. For some, the idea of women making informed decisions about their own sexual life and reproduction is unthinkable. Almost a blasphemy.

I try to have balanced opinion and I try not to go on rambling about how men are doing wrong to women, because I know that sexism is hurting everybody, regardless of sex, gender or race, but I just cannot fight the impression that being women sucks on so many different levels.
I’m reading and reading and reading all of the crap that people say in public and I just cannot believe the world we are living in. Claiming that women during the war cannot be raped, because they are easy and they want to please soldiers. And even admitting that he himself had a “pleasure” to use such “service to the brave” (article in Polish). Or comparing abortion to Katyn victims (article in Polish).
And there is this prevalent, consistent and insistent claim that if women had unprotected sex SHE has to bear the consequences. Heck, if she had sex at all, she is to blame. Even if she didn’t actually want it. Even if she wasn’t conscious. Somehow, there is no men in the equation. As if all of those speakers did not considered men as active participants in sex. As if it was all about the women, our promiscuity (also wife having sex with her husband), our uncleanliness and our sinfulness. Because apparently only we are committing sin by having sex.
And there is more such absurds and I just cannot figure out that where all of this hate towards women came from. Why there is such a controversy that we can have sexual needs and want to have control over our bodies? Forget equal rights for employment and pay, that seems unattainable at the moment, but I really think that wanting everybody else to stay away from my uterus and pusy is not much to ask for.

Usually, when people have such negative feelings towards the entire group, it’s either out of fear or envy. Fear... yeah it can be, but we are going again into rambling about domination etc. and like I said, sexism, misogyny and backwards views on sexual violence hurt men as much as women. So we are left with envy. And what can all of the bigots and misogynist might envy us, women?
And then the wild idea appeared. All those people (some men) envy us MULTIPLE ORGASMS!!!
It all makes sense (maybe not really, but on some level…)! Just think about it for a second.

Let’s imagine a situation where we don’t live in current world, but there is real sexual freedom and women can have as much sex with as much men as they want and vice versa (and there was never shame assigned to this and not slutshaming etc.). Soon we would find out that there is different frequency in having sex, because men when they ejaculate, well, it’s game over for them at least for some time. They need break to regenerate. But not women. If we are turned on, we can go on for hours (days, months, years, ages). And we can enjoy orgasm, after orgasm, after orgasm…
For sure there would be some women not wanting to have sex at all (it's their right), other would find one partner and enjoy sex only with him/her (just like it is with some now), but other would dominate the field of sex! They would change men like socks, having couple of them during one night – because if one is done, then there's always another who can carry on.
Suddenly, the notion that women envy men the penis is outrageous. Why envy something that is so weak and so limited in the sexual performance? Vagina! That’s the organ that everybody should want. It’s strong, not as easily accessible and can provide countless amount of pleasure!

Probably there would be no guys left aside without sex, because once a woman would be done with men she wanted to have sex, she would probably take any guy that according to her “could do” (if she was still “on the roll”).

But generally, women would be able to criticize men for being inadequate in bed and masculinity could be measured with how many orgasms did a woman have during the intercourse with a man. It would be women’s satisfaction that is the most important and I can bet that some of women would be really cruel to men who did not fulfil their duty to satisfy them (I would not applaud that, but that how it could be).
Aaaand let’s back to reality. This situation could never be allowed for one simple reason: some men can’t bear criticism. Over the centuries men always portrayed themselves as stronger, better providers and therefore entitled to have sex with their woman or with as many women as they want. 
“Man the Conqueror” both of nations and women is the symbol of masculinity. It was always men's right to have sex and enjoy sex. Can you imagine now that such masculine warrior is being put in place by the harem of women who laugh in his face, because he finished before they even started to have fun. Nope, not going to happen.
So there was only one way to deal with this problem: repress women's sexuality. And we have religions to thank for that. Most of the “heathen” women had a special place in the mythology and usually had more rights in the society. Nordic women, Celtic women, some privileged Greek women, etc. However, with the rise in monotheistic beliefs, men hold control over what’s allowed and what’s not. Curious enough, anything that has to do with female sexual needs is somehow not allowed.
But times have changed. Women not only started to appear on the street, but we also work, we study, we have successful careers, some of us have really happy lives and some of us have really adventurous sex life. However, the years of conditioning that our sexual rights and needs are not equal to those of men, constantly push us into feeling guilt and shame after enjoying sex. We are foolish enough to believe that we will ever be equal in sexual relations. And current trend to control female reproduction is the ultimate proof.
Pregnancy and STDs are the ultimate control over our sexuality, both from nature point of view as well as political point of view. Many of us (b0th men and women) do not have random sex in fear of unwanted pregnancy and STDs (because those of you who do not know, women are more screwed in terms of sexually transmitted diseases – we are more prone to get them and most often are more severe to our health). And pregnancy is ultimately female thing (no man will ever get pregnant). But there is solution! Making contraception available to all women! However, it would mean that society places control in women’s hands – and therefore we will have control over our sex lives.

So we have some societies like Poland, Ireland, some states in USA, some Asian and African countries, where that situation is unthinkable. Because it would destroy the entire notion of masculinity and men’s privilege if it was allowed for women to have control over their sexuality! What happens next? Women have right to refuse sex?! Nooooo! Maybe women have multiple orgasms, but men have the right to release sperm!
I am being overly caustic about this issue on purpose. 

I actually do not believe that men in general are envious about multiple orgasms. And in no case it would be a better scenario, if women could treat men instrumentally and solely as “pleasure givers”. But that’s exactly the thing that women are experiencing. All of those claims about victims of rape, blaming women for their pregnancy, condemning women for wanting to use contraception, preventing women from using contraception, preventing women from having an informed decision about their bodies and lives. It’s all happening. And in the name of what?
Maybe it’s not about the multiple orgasms, maybe it’s not about envy or fear at all. Nevertheless, there is something terribly wrong with societies that allow for restriction of reproductive rights to one section of the society, while the other is being consistently perceived as blameless.
Sex is pleasurable activity and it should be enjoyed by both men and women without the blame and shame. Pregnancy is the result of action of both men and women, so either we should make greater effort to support women and teach men to be more responsible for their actions or allow both of them to make their own decisions about their future – if the man can walk away from his responsibilities towards child he conceived, then the woman should also be allowed to say “Well, I didn’t want that and I don’t want that” and have control over her future. I think that’s fair.

Also, we have to learn that sexual violence IS A CRIME. It’s unacceptable to blame a victim for a crime. Rape is amazingly tricky and somehow magically shifts the status of accused from perpetrator to victim. Both male and female victims of sexual violence should be taken care of, protected, we should show them compassion and support. Conversely, we are living in this weird dimension where ridiculing victims is accepted and even applaud.
I’m not new to discussions on feminist subjects, so I know that many of men reading this text will feel offended in a way, because they would never hurt a woman, would never think of blaming her for being attacked or would never think of making decision for their woman. 
If you are such a man, all I want to say is that you are awesome! 
But recently, all of your greatness is being obscured by bunch of misogynistic morons who think that their masculinity equals the dominance over women. Also your woman.
So it has to stop. I need you and your friends and your partners to speak against sexism, gender inequality and discrimination.
And most importantly, we all have to fight for the right to control our own bodies.

Written by Vespertilio

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