What feminists are secretly dreaming of...

“Young women – our friend or foe?” I recall Carie Bradshaw asking herself this question in one of the episodes of “Sex and the City”.

Recently, I've been thinking about generation gap between women. It seems like for whatever reason many older women feel threatened by younger women. "Threatened" might be too strong of a word here, but the idea of husbands abandoning their wives for younger women is present in almost every country on the planet. 

I have often witnessed women looking with nostalgia at younger girls… as if those bad hairstyles from their 20s were really something to be missed.  I see the longing for youth in my private life, but I also see the often exaggerated version of it in our stories, TV series and movies. Take fairytale about Snow White for example, or movie “Catwoman”. In so many stories there is an evil women, that is so terrified of losing her beauty and youth that she is ready to harm other, younger women. What we don’t see though is the probability that when Snow White grows to be 40 or 50 she will turn into the same evil women her step mother was.

Are these evil characters to be blamed for their evilness? Of course, we should never kill anyone or harm in any other way. I was thinking should we really blame women for their fear of aging and desperation that many of them feel about inevitable end of their youthful charms?

If you are a woman and you grew up on the same planet as me, you probably feel it on more or less conscious level that the most important thing that a girl can be is “beautiful”. You felt it at school, you felt it during family meetings, on holidays, while reading a magazine, while shopping, while meeting up with your girl friends. You felt that the pretty girls always attract attention first and for that reason, at some point of your life wished you were more beautiful. 

Now, unless you look like a goddess, you can probably agree with some of the above. Looks are not everything, but we all know that in current scenario we can be as successful as we want to be, but our weight, wrinkles or wardrobe will not escape the watchful gazes of our friends, colleagues and family. Positive attention gives illusion of power and for that reason when we feel invisible, we feel somehow powerless. This happens to our moms and grandmas, if we don’t take any action, it will happen to us. Getting old doesn't have to feel bad.

It’s sad that we live in the world that is hammering the image of “perfect beauty” into our heads wherever we go. The images of perfectly skinny, blemishless, young women follow us like a shadow. We all know it, we all feel it. You see, even in the era of Photoshop you can be lucky enough to be born with a body type of a model. It’s rare, but it happens. Plus we have make up, we can cover the occasional pimple and still feel fine, but even make up has its limitations. With all creams, pills, diets, operations and cosmetic procedures, there is no way we can escape our old age, erase all wrinkles, stop our body from going through natural process of aging.

Aging woman is hardly ever a symbol of wisdom, or symbol of anything for that matter, older women are not shown to us on TV or in magazines, they are invisible. Can you recall when was the last time you have seen 60 something women on the news as guest or show host? Women, just like men, have more and more to say as they gain experience with age, yet we don’t hear from them very often. Instead, pretty much all women over 20 are depicted as desperate to turn back the clock and be 20 again. (It’s actually ridiculous that I started this article with quote from fictional 30 year old women who already thought girls in their 20s might be her foe! As if 30 was already old!)

It’s incredibly sad how our culture treats older women, as if they were invisible or not good enough for our eyes. The same with obese women or short women – they are all treated like they are not good enough to be shown in our media. 

For example, it is utterly hypocritical how we look at pregnant women with joy and respect, but as soon as they give birth it’s like they don’t have any excuse for that big post pregnancy belly. All moms are supposed to quickly hit the gym to go back to their pre-baby body asap. Images of post pregnancy celebrities are again feeding us guilt about our body after birth. Internet is full of articles about "how to get your body back", as if women lost something. You gave birth and put on some weight, don’t be lazy or too happy, work that body girl!!! Sweat till you injure your recently torn vagina! One would think that at least mothers that we supposedly respect so much would have some time off from the body guilt game, but noooo…. Happy women who are ok with their body means no good business.

I have two brothers; one is 6 years younger than me. During her last pregnancy, my mom has put on a lot of weight and has been trying to get rid of it since I remember. Her dieting sent me a clear message – something is wrong with my mom’s body. Magazines and TV quickly provided me with the answer. My mom, with her body type, post pregnancy fat and stretch marks is not considered beautiful.

What a shame! After I realized that my perception of beauty is created by images that surround me I noticed how much of it is clearly wrong! The beauty culture that we see today is designed to keep majority of women, me and my mom included, desperate to change their body. Do I have to explain how extremely profitable is keeping women in constant need of magic diet pills, slimming creams and anti –aging creams?

For our own sake, we, women need to redefine beauty. My mom’s body is beautiful. She sacrificed her flat belly, perky breasts and tight vagina for me, for my existence. Isn't it amazing? I am responsible for at least 1/3 of these stretch marks! Looking at her from perspective of gratefulness is amazing. Her body produced my body.

This sentence should have the power to close all generation gap. Older women should be proud, not anxious, looking at younger women – relaxing in the idea that we literally came out of their bodies. And this pride should not be directed only to mothers. Women before me made my amazing life possible. I have tones of opportunities and it’s only thanks to them. They are pioneers who came before us, and they have awful lot to be proud of. My mother gave me my body, but there are countless women that I’m thankful for, because they have fought for me, for my rights that I enjoy so much today.

I’m an atheist and I attach my creation to the fact that my parents fucked, not to divine intervention of any god. There is surely something divine about it, but I prefer to thank my parents for my life, not god. I wish my mom could take full half of the credit for my creation and rejoice in the fact, that my young body is extension of her own body. 

I wish we could slowly create a culture where women take immense pride in growing older. I mean, it’s not easy to get old, just imagine all the stupid things you did when you were in college, or imagine how many people die in car accidents or from heart disease, it’s not as easy to grow old as we think it is… But I digress, where was I….

It isn’t true that feminists dream of dominating men. I am a feminist and one of my biggest feminist fantasies is women celebrating femininity. I want to see more women being supportive of each other. One of the feminist goals is creating society were women are friends, allies; not envious, vicious enemies, fighting for men or those few CEO positions. See, it’s not only about being equal with men, but also about being equal with each other, women to women. Without thinking which one of us is more capable to attract a male based on our beauty or age. “Sisterhood”, this word is so beautiful and yet sounds so… uncomfortable compared to “brotherhood”.

Perhaps dreams of sisterhood are not so uncommon if you look at the appeal of shows about female friendships, like “Sex and The City” or my favorite one, “The Golden Girls”. I have a feeling that we all secretly dream of heaving group of female friends where we could feel fully accepted. We all dream of some kind of women’s club where we could celebrate femininity more often than once, twice a year while choosing prom dress or wedding dress.

The only reason of writing this post was to express my mixed feelings about the way we currently perceive aging women and how women interact with each other. Beauty standards and pressure to be beautiful is disrupting completion of secret feminist “Sisterhood Project" and I dream of the time when we put those standards behind us, giving space to more inclusive and realistic idea of beauty.

Written by Innana

and inspired by "The Beauty Myth" by Naomi Wolf

WOMEN WORKING - ON THEIR LOOKS

Time to piss off some Ne-Yo fans! Time to prove, that feminist won’t stop moaning until they have it all! ;)

Since we started this month discussing popular movies, why not take a closer look at one popular video? Last time I checked it had over 65 million views and far more likes than dislikes. I’m talking about “Miss Independent” video and song. I guess some of you like it.

Before I come to bitter part, let me write something sweet first. Thanks Mr. Ne-Yo for trying your best to depict working women as desirable date and claiming that you love independent women, because they don’t want shit from you. That is progress from “gold digger” videos and yes, it feels much better to listen to a song about independent women, than “all the bitches love me” stuff. I honestly thank you for showing that man doesn't have to be scared by confident women.

However, the song and video are far from feminist dream, so sorry, I won’t be taking it as my “girl power” anthem.

First of all, how many offices have you seen filled with women who look like super models? I bet loving such a beautiful, independent women isn’t that hard after all. Women shown in the video conform to beauty standards that hardly any women meet, independent women are not exception here. If your secretary was as beautiful as a model, she would most probably become one and then play in Ne-Yo’s video about working women. I’m not saying being a model is not a job. Being a model is making money of beauty and that’s something majority of women don’t do at work. Naomi Wolf, in her book “The Beauty Myth”, calls modeling a “display profession” and describes it's correlation with feminist movement like this:

“Until women’s emancipation, professional beauties were usually anonymous, low in status, unrespectable. The stronger that women grow, the more prestige, fame, and money is accorded to display professions: they are held higher and higher above the heads of rising women, for them to emulate.”

Women face enough scrutiny in the work place for their looks and they don’t need any more reinforcement of the idea that they have to be beautiful enough, young enough or stylish enough to be worth of success.

Pressure on women to be beautiful makes them spend their precious time on unimportant tasks like researching what is trendy now, putting on makeup every day, making their hair look perfect, their nails look perfect, their butt look perfect– trying every morning to look elegant, professional, yet feminine. Even listening makes me sick. Biggest question is – for how many jobs out there, knowing what’s trendy is a crucial skill? Men simply take shower, shave, put on their suits and frankly, no one can really tell how many suits they have, because they all look so freaking similar.

Time is not the only thing working women have to waste. They also spent way too much money on beauty maintenance in order to be young for as long as possible and be visible in the work market for as long as possible. Designer clothes, anti aging creams and makeup are not cheap if any of you wondered ;) some say that professional women spend around a third of their salary to preserve their looks. Combined with the fact that average women still earns less than men for doing the same job, only increases the odds of women heaving less savings by the time they retire.

In this context, Ne-Yo’s video does a very good job for fashion and cosmetic industries, and big disservice to independent women. Keeping women’s self-esteem low (and it really cannot be very high if any women compares herself with models) is equivalent with keeping sales of often useless products high. 

Now my favorite part - lyrics. I’m always angry that the first compliment to give women is “you look good” or “you are beautiful”. It simply undermines any success you can achieve as a woman, because first and foremost you have to be beautiful. If you’re not considered pretty, but you are successful/happy, people say you are successful despite being ugly, as if it was a disability. Or they say... well you cannot have everything girl, but at least you’re happy with yourself.... Maybe you are not the most beautiful women on the planet, but hey, you are Secretary of State, not so bad! Ne-Yo’s song doesn't represent anything better, because the fist important thing is:

 “there's somethin about just somethin about the way she's move”.

What if she didn't move so sexily, would she still steal Ne-Yo’s heart?

There is something that puts me off even more than priorities, because those are really not such a big surprise. The secret to why “Miss Independent” is not so revolutionary is hidden in those verses:

“Cause she walk like a boss talk like a boss;

 Cause she move like a boss do what a boss”.

Yeah, she’s not really a boss; she just acts like a boss. Maybe that makes her so sexy? Paying her share of bill on a night out, heaving her own place, being self confident and not really putting him out of his comfort zone of being the true boss?

“She made for a boss only a boss;

Anything less she telling them to get lost”

There is no doubt in the video as to who is the boss in that office. Ne-Yo - the truly blessed man who works among the most beautiful office staff in history of this planet. Boss who has to be appeased since morning - “good morning Ne-Yo :) :) “, “good morning Ne- Yo”, because looking like a super model is not enough in that office to operate the copy machine, you also have to be pleasurable and likable without air of bossiness (licking fingers with sexy gazes at their boss or getting into his personal space are just some of the proposed ways they can achieve that). 

Honestly, evaluating looks he’s giving his employees are for me eligible for sexual harassment lawsuit. Unless of course, he’s official Head of Committee on Cleavage Supervision in his company.

In the world were money and sex appeal are often inextricable it shouldn't be such a big deal that men is confused about what’s so amazing about this girl. Is it her sexy moves, flirtatious eyes or “bills paid on time”? Even he “can't figure it out”.

Just putting it out to you girls that you should realize how deeply embedded beauty standards are in our society and even a song about independent, hard-working women has to feed us info about how we should look. I know, video without super models is not a popular video, so Ne – Yo probably “had no choice” deciding about actors – that’s exactly why I moan about beauty standards!

It is possible to be beautiful and smart, but thanks messages from popular media we began believing that if woman is not pursuing the ultimate goal of being beautiful, she’s lazy and she deserves (inevitable) punishment for not achieving this goal.

I hope you understand by now why those nasty feminists simply can’t be happy with anything or why it is, that “Miss Independent” didn't quite do the job of advertising strong, independent women in my opinion.

To summarize it quickly I would just like to say, that “half marathon” is only half of a marathon, even though it has word “marathon” in its name.

Written by Inanna