Saturday, 11 February 2017

To the girl who will be dating my ex husband

I’m separating from my husband. We are married now about 8 months. We’re separating, because he suddenly changed his mind. He no longer wants to be a husband. 

I’m dedicating this to his future girl, so you know who you’re actually dealing with.

You’ll hear terrible stories about me. You’ll hear that I’m mental. You’ll hear that I was abusing him. You’ll hear loads of stories.

None of them are true.

The truth is, that I haven’t done anything that warrant this kind of treatment and what he put me trough. And whatever happens, I want you to know, that you haven’t either. Because sooner or later he’ll do the same thing to you.

I used to hear the stories about his ex and I used to hate her. But now, I don’t think those were true. Now when I see who he really is, I don’t believe anything what he said about other women.

Probably you are attracted to him because of his charming nature. He’s funny and dorky and nice. He’s hard working. He’ll make you feel special. He’ll kiss you with passion and make you melt in his arms. And he’ll make you feel desired and loved.

Until it doesn’t.

It won’t be obvious at first. He’ll just grew distant. He’ll say that he’s tired. You’ll just try harder to accommodate his needs - because when he’s happy maybe he’ll make you happy. But you soon notice that your needs are not a priority in this relationship anymore. And maybe you’ll do like I did, you’ll reconsider the relationship. But after telling him this, you’ll have this long talk, maybe you’ll get drunk in order to talk. And he’ll tell you the thing that’s bothering him. And it’ll be some bullshit thing that’s not even an issue. But you’ll feel guilty. Because you shouldn’t have said that. Maybe if you were more considerate, it wouldn’t happen.

Maybe he’ll tell you how much he loves you. And you’ll believe him. And you’ll forget everything, because it was in some way your fault. It doesn’t matter that if he told you what’s bothering him earlier you would’ve solved the problem earlier. But you still feel guilty.

You’ll have nice time and have a few drinks until he tries to rape you one time. And then you’ll be terrified of him when he’s drinking. And he’ll feel so sorry for doing that. And that he didn’t know it will bother you so much. You ask him to stop drinking. But later on you’ll find out that he’ll resent you for that. Because you can ask him for anything, but don’t touch his right to drink.

Maybe you’ll be like me - traumatised by whole thing. I used to froze and have a panic attack when he came near me smelling with alcohol. Even with one drop. People will be looking at you like you’re crazy and restricting girlfriend. And he won’t do anything to explain to them why you don’t want him to drink. But he won’t be able to stop drinking, even just one drink every now and then. Even for you. Because you’ll find out later, that for real you’re not that important. For sure not important enough to stop drinking.

Whatever he did he’ll be sorry for a moment. Later on he’ll make you feel guilty that you still remember the way he hurt you. Because he haven’t done anything like that recently. So just get over yourself. 

Probably you’re admiring his confidence now. You know how he get it? Because I did everything in my power to help him with self-esteem. I showered him with compliments. I told him how unique he is. I told him that none of his dreams are silly and he can have a dreams and I’ll help him to fulfil those dreams. But you have no idea how many times my self-esteem took a blow in a process. Because for him to feel powerful he needs to bring you down.

Of course, it’s not obvious. You won’t notice it at first. Those will be those small sarcasms and pinches and pins and needles that he’ll say. But if you tell him - you’re being meaner than usual, he’ll just gaslight you.

You’ll notice after some time that he’s a master of gaslighting.

But the good days and good moments are brilliant. You’ll have so much laugh and fun. So you will hold on to those moments, because you think that’s really him. And it is in a sense. But just be aware that this sad, bringing you down and neglecting you side of him is also true. And you’ll see more of it.

Probably after some time you’ll notice that his family is abusive. That they manipulate him so he bends to their will and does whatever they think is best. But not necessarily for him. And he’ll religiously admire them still. You’ll notice that the more they push him away, the more he longs for their acceptance. 

So you maybe say something. Because it’s not right. And that will be your mistake. Because no matter what you did for him, you’ll never be important enough to him to hear this hard truth from you.

And as it’s easier for him to blame you than to face his demons and get help for all the trauma he survived in his life - he’ll start resenting you. And whatever his family do, it’ll always be your fault. His sister stops talking to him? She doesn’t like you so it’s your fault. His brother don’t want to come over and spend time with him? Your fault. His family never visiting. Apparently, your fault. Their decisions are never their fault. So you will be the one to blame. 

But you won’t know that until it’s too late. Until you’re married or worse, have kids with him. Luckily enough I didn’t get pregnant with him. I really thank God for that.

After all this how I ended up marrying him? Because I believe that he changed and grew up. Because he’s a great partner. He seems like a good friend. Because he told me how much he loved me. Because he said that he can’t wait to be my husband. And I stupidly believed him. 

Then he’ll abandon you on your wedding night. Because he’s brother is around and he just wants to spend time with him. But his brother doesn’t like you. So it’s either you or the brother. And obviously, there is no choice. You’re never a choice. 

After some time you’ll notice the small signs and you’ll try your best to resolve them. You’ll be going around like me and asking: “are you okay?”, “are you angry at me?”, “did I do something to upset you?”, “you know you can talk to me, right?”. But like I told you, he’s a master of gaslighting. So he’ll make you feel like you’re crazy, because everything is alright. Everything is fine. 

But he’ll make you feel neglected, unloved. Your self-esteem will be a disaster. But probably your response would be to shower him with love. Because maybe if you show him how much you love him, he’ll show it to you in return. But he won’t. So you’ll try harder, but your mood and self-esteem will be taking more and more blows. You’ll be more irritable and sometimes angry. Because you deserve some affection.

He’ll use that against you. And one day, when you say something in anger, you’ll find out what’s been going on. But that won’t be over. He can’t just leave and separate in peace. He’ll drown you with his neurotic behaviour at the same time deflecting the blame to you. Because you’re emotional one.

I’ll tell you how exactly did our break up went.

First, he said that he’s thinking about leaving. That he thought about it for few weeks, actually. When I told him that if he leaves we will never be back together. So he decided that he wanted to give us a try. But he didn’t make an effort. I realised then, that actually he never made an effort in our relationship. 

When he realises that I wasn’t going to change and accommodate his needs, because I was still angry from the emotional turmoil he put me through, he decided to leave. Funny enough, a day before he just told me how much he loves me and that I’ll see - we will be a happy marriage again. And then next day he’s all cold and distant. Because I didn’t say “oh wow, it’s awesome, I love you so much!” Because I dared to be angry that he’s playing with my feelings.

But I wanted to know what is in his head, so I asked him if he wants to go back together. He says yes. So you both make a plan that in months time, you’ll get back together and try to work on your marriage. Because it’s been only 6 months. You can fix that.

And then, when the time was near, he just sneaked into the house when I wasn’t around and took some of his remaining stuff. He just then told me that he wanted to talk to me. And that he thought through and he don’t want to get back. That there are things that he can’t forgive me. 

But can he borrow duvet and pillows? Because there’s none in his new apartment?

He says that he’ll continue to drive my car. Because it’s more convenient for him. I say that I want to sell it. Doesn’t matter - he does what he wants.

So you see what he did? Working on the relationship is too much, but still using the privileges that this relationship gave him - not a problem. Giving something from himself? No. Taking everything from me - sure thing. 

The reason for break up is that he felt restricted by me. The truth is, he was really restricting me. The parties I didn’t attend to, because he was too tired and I wanted to spend time with him. But when I was too tired and wanted to stay with him, it’s restricting. It’s unreasonable. 

He told me that he felt that he has to wear a mask around me. But his true colours he showed me after he took it off, simply terrifies me. 

So that’s kind of a man you’re dealing with. Just take care of yourself and be careful. 

Written by Hanna Mroczek

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