Open Letter to All Negative and Hateful People

It’s been a while since we posted something on our blog, and we’re sorry for that. Reasons for that varies: lack of time, holidays, new places, new people, new adventures.

Mainly we haven’t written anything, because we are tired. Since we started to write this blog, we follow various news outlets and women-centered stories and we are surrounded by enormous pile of shit, it’s unbelievable. 

Of course, we should expect that, nobody promised us roses and daisies and that all be just cuddly, sweet and super – duper cool and we all be friends once we start the feminist blog.

We knew it’s going to be hard.

Nevertheless, the amount of hatred and negative energy and resentment towards women and any subject (even remotely) connected to feminism is just suffocating. It’s overwhelming. It’s appalling.

If I see any bit of news where the rape victim is blamed for her assault; where somebody is saying something so absolutely and terrifyingly sexist and stupid; where an influential speaker lacks the understanding of basic mechanisms of functioning of society, human body or psychology; where a person gets criticized for defense of somebody’s rights – I swear to God, I’m going to scream, yell, throw a tantrum and go on maniac spree where I will be painting dicks on government’s buildings. 

I’m serious.

In terms of gender equality, feminism, sexual orientation, sexual attraction, gender roles, sexual violence, misogyny and patriarchy, there is whole wide world out there of different opinions. Unfortunately, those most offensive and hateful are the one that are yelled the loudest.

I just cannot understand how much hate and negativity people bear inside of them. Is it really that difficult to understand that everybody wants normal and happy life? Is it so terrible that I, as a woman, may see the problems in modern society and just want to feel safe and have the same prospects as men? I don’t want your money, I just want the sense of security that I’m protected by law and government from exploitation, sexual assault, domestic violence, trafficking and discrimination. Is it really that much to ask?

And what about all other-than-heterosexual people? Is it really that much of a tragedy that they will commit to a person of the same sex? Many countries are accepting gay marriage and somehow the world didn’t devilishly turned upside-down. So why is it still such a tragedy to “God fearing” but really hypocritically backwards societies to accept that everybody has a right to a family, to love and be loved by a person of their choice?

Transgender and transsexual people! They are just want to bring the world to an end! If we ever see the world crumbling down, it’s because of them. How DARE they defy God’s decisions? If the God gave them penis, they are bound to love that penis and cherish that penis for the rest of their life. If the God gave them vagina, it’s designed to give pleasure to the penis, so don’t you dare getting rid of it!

For crying out loud, it doesn’t hurt society and people if one person just changes some things about their body. You can’t see it from the Eiffel Tower, you can’t see it from the moon, so it really doesn’t destroy the grand scheme of things. But it might, just MIGHT make somebody happier about and with themselves.

That’s just the few examples of the hatred and discrimination and hostility that other people endure. Most often the people who dare to be different, who dare to stand out, who dare to disagree with generally accepted norms and who dare to speak up are the ones who takes the most beatings.

So I have a message to all of those hateful and discriminating people. And other people as well.

In life and in society there are two things: things that matter and things that don’t matter.

What doesn’t matter is your opinion.

Sure, you have a right to an opinion, but generally speaking, your opinion is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if you are a “normal” person and it shouldn’t definitely matter if you are a politician or a public person. And most importantly, nobody’s opinion, that is in any way potentially discriminatory, should be taken into consideration when deciding about other people lives. Somebody’s interpretation of religious norms cannot be considered when implementing a piece of legislation. It cannot be considered when talking about other people freedoms and rights. And it unquestionably cannot lead to limitation of the rights of others.

The thing that matters is whether every person that is a part of a society, community or locality has equal rights. Can he or she do whatever they want with their life? Their career? Their future? Their body? Can her or she participate in a social life in the same way than another he or she can?

The thing that matters is that you have no right to limit freedoms of others. You have no right to spread your hate and suffocate others with your bigotry and self-ideation. There is a freedom of speech, you have a right to speak – but have also the right to remain silent. But it would be advisable for you to use the second option more often.

You have a right to have an opinion, to have your say, but don’t think for even the moment that you have a right to shove it in the faces of the others that you deem unworthy of existing. You are not creating a better future with your hatred, you are not creating anything. You are leading to a destruction of norms and deterioration of society.

I’m watching the news and I don’t believe in what I’m seeing. In Poland there is a medieval level discussion about domestic violence, with politicians and priests speaking against European Treaty on Violence Against Women. They cannot come up with a comprehensive legislation, because some politicians are against any other definition of family than “catholic” one. Also Poland is dragging its feet in terms of civil partnership or same-sex marriages, because… it’s against the “normal” definitions of families.

I see here four families? What about you?

You know what you can do with your limited definition of family? You can stick into your… significant bottom of the body. I don’t care whether you think that me and my partner are a family. I don’t care. For me, we ARE and that’s what matters. And only that should matter.

I hear the cavemen-style conversation about women being subordinate, wanting to be raped and deserving to be beaten. I see people protesting against equal rights for gay or transgender people, sex education, contraception, abortion, just basically anything that doesn’t concern them, but could somehow make other people’s life easier.

It’s sickening.

I just encountered the story, where anti-abortionists suggest euthanasia for raped women, because if they are willing to “kill” one of the rapists victims – a child, we can also kill the second victim as well. I will not even go into deeper discussion about abortion and all of the shit that “pro-life”, but really pro-nobody-f****-knows-what (because definitely it’s not life) claims. But how can a person, a man, who will NEVER get pregnant, be so fast to judge another person, their decision, their willingness to pick up the pieces after a traumatic event and carry on with what’s left of their normality. 

If you are a man, shut up on the topics of how it is to be a woman.

You are a woman who leads happy successful life? Shut up when the women who didn’t have as much luck as you do speak up of what happened to them.

You are white? Never dare to say that racism doesn’t exist and black people do not encounter any discrimination. And don’t you ever dare to say that immigrants are to blame for any mishaps in your country. You and other citizens fucked up, not them.

You are heterosexual person sure of their sexuality? Just don’t talk about how confused gay, bisexual or other-than-heterosexual people are. You now nothing, you are not them, so just shut up and let them be.

Are you happy with God-given gender? Good for you. But don’t use that God to bring down, humiliate and bully people who are convinced that God might have made mistake and they are on the path to correct that mistake.

Or maybe he is a guy who wears dreasses. Good for him, most of dresses are super comfy. You think he is disgusting? You are disgusting. He doesn't impact on your life, so stop trying to impact on his.

How can we claim to celebrate life, when most of us lack empathy, sympathy, warmth, understanding, willingness to understand (to any degree). Why is self-righteous bigotry so glorified and cherished, while any sign of solidarity with discriminated, underprivileged, victimized and invisible condemned and even socially punished?

My conclusion is as follows: if it doesn’t limit your basic human rights (below), but you don’t agree with it, just shut up and deal with it. If it does limit your rights and freedom, fight against it, but always remember – your freedom ends where another person’s starts.

Written by Vespertilio

P.S. For those who have no idea what human rights are, here is the link to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the European Convention on Human Rights. There is a high chance that you live in a country that accepted the Declaration, so get familiar with it and just try to respect rights of others.

P.S. 2. Last but not least... Song for all haters.

WOMEN AGAINST BEAUTY STANDARDS

Disclaimer: I have no problem whatsoever with long legs, skinny girls, visible bones, size 0 or whatever. I have a problem with long legs, skinny girls, visible bones or size 0 becoming the standard that every girl should be obliged to aspire to. There are countless body types, hair or eye colors, and sizes that women are born with. 

There is nothing wrong with being stylish, therefore there is nothing wrong with style tips. However, style or fashion should not be used to make women feel bad about themselves. ..... What? 

Tell me which of the following feels better:

• Wearing pastel colors is fashionable this season. 
• Wearing pastel colors can make your humble buttons appear bigger, so rock this pink pastel shirt!    

Hopefully you understand the point that I'm trying to express here. You may proceed. 

This article by Jenny Block has inspired our blog post (we recommend you to read it). Or precisely the response we got on our social media after posting this article. 
Jenny Block has pointed out the problematic message that gets to women through glossy magazines, it sneaks in so quietly that we often mistake it for well meant advises. 

"You are flawed, but we can tell you how to cover your flaws up."

"We can help you create an illusion that you are pretty."  

If I was asked to address the root cause of this situation I would most probably point my finger at popular belief that there is one type of body and one favored face structure considered beautiful and all the other body types should be covered up in such a way to mimic one perfect body type. People who unconsciously believe it to be true accept the fact that it's normal to feel uncomfortable in your skin. 

Women are advised to create an "illusion" and use "tricks" in order to appear acceptable. This way fashion magazines send us two messages:

• Who you really are is ugly, and
• You should work harder not to reveal the truth, trick everyone into thinking you are someone else, someone pretty enough to be loved.

If you are aging (how surprising) - use this cream

If you have pimples (how disgusting) - use this face wash 

If you are getting fat - take this pill, go on this diet

If you are tall - wear this type of trousers

If you are short - wear those shoes

If you are skinny - wear this skirt 

The motto that we don't hear is:

"As long as women don't accept who they are or how they look, the business is doing great." 

Caution: running naked in public is a criminal offence,
 even in Nike shoes

We live in an environment that surrounds us with images of perfect beauty. Never before in our history we were exposed to this amount of images of human body. However, we are being shown very little variety of what our body looks like. We grow up seeing only tall, skinny, blemishless women. 

Images of long legs or flat stomach are used excessively to sell us products that are in no way connected with female body. We have recently seen more pictures of male torsos, but really the amount of perfectly sculpted male abs is low compared to amount of female body parts used in ads or other media. 

The image of how female body should look like sneaks into our brains every day, we don't even notice it. Do a little experiment: on your way to work count billboards with images of women. If you don't yet understand the difference on how female and male body is used, after experiment 1 please do experiment 2. On your way to work count the amount of billboards with men on them. 

Like... Whats the point....?

Such exposure to images of perfect beauty has real life consequences. We tend to brush them aside, perhaps because the are typically "female problems". We ignore the influence media has on young girls and women. We trivialize the fact that women grow up seeing countless examples of how they should look like.  It's more than obvious that seeing models who are abnormally skinny triggers the endless dieting process in lives of many women. Often, it morphs into serious problem, like anorexia for example. 

Anorexia is "girls problem", so is bulimia. Boys are only 10 to 15% of anorexics. Nobody really cares that young women are starving themselves, disappearing in front of our eyes. Diabetes is genetic (they say), but anorexia is just a hysterical teenager with low self-esteem. Her fault, she's to be blamed for dieting too much.. well, anorexics diet till death. If you ever wondered why we should treat images of skinny women more seriously, here are some facts about anorexia. 

• 91% of women surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting. 22% dieted “often” or “always.”5
•  Anorexia is the third most common chronic illness among adolescents.7
•  25% of college-aged women engage in bingeing and purging as a weight-management technique.3
•  The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate associated with all causes of death for females 15-24 years old.4
•  Over one-half of teenage girls and nearly one-third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting, and taking laxatives.17
•  47% of girls in 5th-12th grade reported wanting to lose weight because of magazine pictures.12
•  In a survey of 185 female students on a college campus, 58% felt pressure to be a certain weight, and of the 83% that dieted for weight loss, 44% were of normal weight.1
• 69% of girls in 5th-12th grade reported that magazine pictures influenced their idea of a perfect body shape.13
•  42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner (Collins, 1991).
• The body type portrayed in advertising as the ideal is possessed naturally by only 5% of American females.3
•  81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat (Mellin et al., 1991).
•  Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.4

Source

As a parent, wouldn't you like your government to do something about such dangerous, widespread  disease?

That's not the point, I wanted to write about something else. 

Women who write about beauty standards get very typical feedback. Mostly from men, but comments from women happen as well. 

1. Do you think men's bodies are not idealized in media? (Yes, they are.)
2.  Do you think men's bodies are not subject to similar scrutiny? (No, they are not. Look at experiment1 and experiment2. Then find me at least 3 articles with fashion tips for men where guys are advised how to create an illusion of flat stomach or larger biceps. Or just check this out)
3. There is no harm in fashion tips. (No, unless they are filled with messages of self-hatred) 
4. Plus, some women may actually need them... (Please, read the article by Jenny Block)
5. You are not pretty (read: you are ugly, lazy, moaning bitch), so you speak against beauty standards. 

"Desired effect" mention by this boy might be the key in understanding this post. btw there is no mention of "it's ok to tell men their bodies suck" in the article

Last issue with speaking against beauty standards, or any other issue addressed by feminists. Men asking why particular book, article or post doesn't mention men. 

It seems like men believe they are so important that a woman writing an article for women about female problem is somehow a threat to them. 

If I write an article about boats are you justified to complain why I didn't mention anything about submarines? Kind of similar subject, but.. no. 

If men need their voice to be heard they have all the possible options to express their thoughts. If they have any trouble because of their sex they are free to speak and write about it. In fact it could be beneficial for us all to see how gender roles really screw us all. Men don't need feminists to speak for them, and yet many feminists add "men have it hard too" and acknowledge that life of men isn't that easy. Having said that, I still believe that feminism is a movement focused on women for a reason. Ever heard about patriarchy? I guess it's like asking fish what water is.... 

Women are born in all sort of sizes and shapes, every "beauty standard" is by definition an impractical and even harmful concept. We cannot standardize humans like we standardize pencils. Time to fall in love with who we are. Time to accept our hips, bellies, breasts, cellulite and wrinkles because.. f**k it will save us tones of time and money. Not to mention the fact that self-acceptance increases levels of happiness ;) so have a good day ladies and gentleman. Close this shitty magazine you've been reading, wear what makes you FEEL beautiful and enjoy your life without thinking whether this shirt makes you look fat! 

Written by Inanna

Tribute to Feminists

On Monday I’m having my graduation ceremony. I will be officially recognized as university graduate and I will gain Masters of Science in Humanitarian Action degree. I will join the group of people whose persistence and ambition got them through their studies and help them gain widely recognized qualifications that will impact on our future.

But all of this wouldn’t be possible without feminism. Of course, I did all of the work, I wrote the thesis, I endured everything that was there to endure during exams sessions. But at the same time, I cannot underestimate the impact that feminism had on this situation.

So this is the tribute to all of the feminists and human rights activists that worked hard and sacrificed their life so I (and many more girls and women) can had a better future.

I would like to thank every suffragette and feminist who worked so I can vote and who fought for equal access to education and admission to the university. If it wasn’t for you, not only I would have no say over my life, I wouldn’t be able to gain this degree and basically, I wouldn't be able to decide about the future of my country and my family.

I am eternally grateful to all of the feminists, who advocated and still advocate for equal pay, better employment opportunities for women and assessment of abilities based on merit not gender. Your hard work will make it easier for me to get a job that matches my skills and isn’t below my ambitions.

I take my hat off to all of the brave women who proved to the entire world that women are not whimsical, weak, emotional and vulnerable. Thanks to you I was not afraid to persist in following my dreams, tested my abilities in various settings and persevered even the most unsuspected situations. I am strong because I am a woman and being a woman means being strong.

I would like to also acknowledge the hard work of reproductive rights activists and feminists advocating for free love. Owing to you, I can make informed decision about my body, when to start (and later on expand) my family and at the same time enjoy amazing sex without worrying about unwanted pregnancy.

This tribute wouldn’t be complete without special thanks to my fellow blogger, Inanna. If we weren’t brave enough to speak our mind and admit to the world (and ourselves) that we are feminist, we wouldn’t have found out each other in the sea of bullshit on Facebook. Thanks to this special connection we now have a platform to share our thoughts, cogitations and interpretations of reality. Without you I wouldn’t be strong enough to endure all of the patriarchal, sexist and misogynistic content that keeps pouring out from everywhere. Without you I wouldn’t be willing to explain to people some basic truths about feminism, men and women.

Finally, I want to thank the three most amazing feminists from the bottom of my heart, who means world to me and are a great support and inspiration to me: my parents and my boyfriend.

My parents taught me the importance of always improving yourself. I was loved and I was allowed to find myself (not always without a protest or nagging) and pursue the education that I wanted. We had our fights, but once I made up my mind and chose the discipline I love, I could count on their endless support and assistance. They never denied me anything that could result in me being better person. For that, I am eternally grateful. Generally, my family is pretty awesome!

My boyfriend came a long way since we are together. I started to date a childish teenager (even though he was 24-years-old), who thought only about himself and didn’t have much perspective in life. Now I am desperately in love with a grown-up man, who has his dreams and ambitions, but who at the same time does everything in his power to help me in pursuit of my dreams. He understands my need for travel and freedom, so he gives me as much space as I want, but still he is always around to protect me from dangers that are beyond my capabilities to deal with them alone. Without him, I wouldn’t be able to mature as a woman and flourish as a superb and unique human being.

I always aimed at helping people. My particular interest encompass violence, especially sexual violence, its impact on victims (and survivors) and psychopathology of perpetrators and ways to prevent those crimes. And I am feminist.

So as the future masters graduate I pledge to continue the brilliant work of human rights, women rights and in general equal rights activists and try to improve the lives of women and girls around the world. I pledge to fight for equality and safety, I will do everything in my power to protect and ensure that every person lives with dignity and receives respect that everybody deserves. I will not rest until I make this world a slightly better place than it had been before I was born.

Written by Vespertilio

Strength and Male Superiority

Since we started this blog I began noticing the amount of people (not only man) who still believe that women are inferior to men. Some of them claim that women in general are less intelligent (when confronted with opposing statistics claim that women have lesser percentage of extraordinary talent compared to men), others simply have some women hate issues, but what all those people have in common is a one argument that never fails to come up: strength. Men are stronger than women, therefore superior and more important (sic).

I am not blind or removed from reality. I acknowledge the simplicity of biological differences between sexes. Men are statistically higher than women, but does it mean they should look down on us?

First, let’s check definitions of two words that usually get mixed up in a debate about male strength. Identity and equality are two words that make a lot of difference in this topic, so let’s give it a look.

According to Oxford dictionary, “identity” means close similarity or affinity, whereas “equality” means the state of being equal, especially in status, rights, or opportunities. Having that in mind, as civilized human beings we should all agree that although man and women are biologically different (not identical), they are inherently equal. Just like people with black and white skin are biologically different, they don’t look identical, yet they deserve equal rights and opportunities. I know that even today not everyone agrees with me on the last sentence, which really spoils my fun of having such solid example.

If it wasn't for countless debates with hardcore misogynists I would probably never grasp the logic behind the claim that men are stronger than women and therefore superior to them.

When I was growing up I heard word “feminism” from my father who claimed that feminism ends when you have to drag a piano to third floor. This is a very common saying in Poland. It implies that women are helpless in absence of male muscle. I can’t stop myself here from adding that it was my mom who would always paint the walls in our house, hammer nails into the walls or try to fix broken things. I honestly don’t know how people place a piano in apartment on third floor or higher, but I can only imagine that it involves employing some labors, nothing really expensive (probably male, since they are stronger).  Since feminist movement enabled me to access higher education and go to work, fighting for me to have equal pay, I would probably be able to pay four guys to drag my piano, or my sofa up the stairs. See? Feminism doesn't end here.

Females are supposedly inferior to males due to their strength because it provides them the unique ability to successfully defend a country. (Here again I cannot stop myself and have to add that Polish males don’t really have so many historical proves for successful protection of their homeland.)

Firstly, let’s admit that majority of those “defenses” are actually “offences”  of other countries, so maybe – just maybe, if we didn't have the race to prove who is bigger and stronger we wouldn't have so many offences. But that’s not important here.

While only three countries in the world have mandatory female military service there are some remarkable examples of female soldiers that prove that women in army are not there by mistake.

Kurdish women should be famous by now as an example of voluntary military service. Kurds have a very unfortunate history of being screwed by Turkey and by Saddam Hussein. Many Kurdish families in Iraq have lost their sons and fathers. With this history of pain and loss women had enough. Kurdish women have nearly 30 years of experience in combat; PKK has one of the largest numbers of female fighters. Kurdish women are also a part of YPG in Syria as well as Kurdish Peshmerga in Iraq. Just recently media published few reports on Kurdish women training and swearing to fight ISIS, Islamic militant group, a spill out from Syria that is trying to take over Iraq and create Islamic State. I also heard some reports that ISIS ordered FGM on all females aged 12 to 45 in area under their control, but reports are denied by ISIS.

“Since the beginning, Kurdish women have played an integral role in the Kurdishmovement. They fight and they protest, they vote and they get elected to office. And somewhere along the way they achieved a (very complicated, highly controversial, maybe lasting or even replicable) liberation.”

 “The main Kurdish party in the Turkish parliament, Peace and Democracy (BDP) applies a minimum 40% women's quota and always has a man and a woman as joint party presidents” 

Kurdish women became politicized after witnessing horrible crimes and experienced murders of their loved ones. In the process they created an organization within PKK and had significant influence on Kurdish cause by fighting with both guns and pens, in Turkey, Syria and now Iraq.

I would also like to briefly mention Israeli Defense Forces, which are among two other armies recruiting all citizens for mandatory 2 year service irrespective of their sex. I picked Israel specifically because even though the country is surrounded by enemies from all sides and was attacked the next day after its creation, they never lost a single war. It’s remarkable to notice that females are 51% (MAJORITY!!!) of IDF’s officers, despite being only 33% of soldiers.

Women make up 33% of the IDF, taking into consideration their shorter service in comparison to males," Brig. Gen. Kalifi-Amir said. "51% of IDF officers are females serving as both career soldiers and reservists. Women also make up 3% of the IDF's combat soldiers and 15% of technical personnel. Additionally, there is a significant decrease in the number of women serving as secretaries, indicating a change in perception.

Earlier this week, Brig. Gen. Kalifi - Amir honored the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women and said that "The IDF values human dignity as one of its guiding ethics in all its operations and activities. The IDF and its soldiers maintain this value out of the understanding that every human is valuable regardless of ethnicity, religion, gender, rank and position."

Hopefully you grasp my point by now and we can move on.

I would really like to take the argument of male strength out of coal mine and into XXI century, the time of radical change in social sphere, but also in economy. As we moved from manufacturing economy into service economy in developed world, need for manly muscle strength reduced. Since we no longer need strong men to lift heavy bags in the work place as much as we need technology and caring customer service, men’s employment is dropping. Jobs that require strength, like lumberjack, are among worst paid jobs. I will say no more and leave the stage for woman who published a book on that topic, Hanna Rosin. Here are few quotes from her book, "The End of Men" that I find truly groundbreaking.

In 2009, for the first time in American history, the balance of the workforce tipped toward women, who continue to hover around 50 percent. 

According to Bureau of Labor Statistics, as of 2011, women hold 51.4% of managerial and professional jobs – up from 26.1% in 1980. They make up 61.3% of all accountants and hold about half of all banking and insurance jobs. About a third of America’s physicians are now women, as are 45% of associates in law firms – and both those percentages are rising fast as women come to dominate law and medical schools. 

At some point in last forty years, the job market became largely indifferent to size and strength, and from then on, in many pockets of the workforce, men no longer held the cards. Technology began to work against men, making certain brown jobs obsolete and making what economists call “people skills” ever more valuable.

Of the fifteen job categories projected to grow the most in the United States over the next decade, twelve are occupied primarily by women.
 

Next time when you hear males boasting about superiority of their biceps, rest assured it doesn't really give them much advantage in the world we live in. If they want, they can go back and live in caves, but I’m pretty sure not many women would agree to move in with them. Life is simply too good for us ladies to take a step back, and we have feminist movement to thank for it. 

You can also watch Ted talk by Hanna Rosin here. 

Written by Inanna

There is not much to miss about the past, unless you enjoy being someones life line. Or unless you are a man. 

That little freakin’ devil that’s always around…

That little freakin’ devil I’m talking about is everyday sexism, obviously. However, today I would like to talk about acceptance of everyday sexism. We as a society are slowly starting to be sensitive to open and hostile examples of sexism – domestic violence, hateful comments,  etc. but we are still either ignorant or passive towards these small displays of sexism that seems like nothing. But they are something. Something actually quite big. And very serious.

Because even the smallest example of sexism, such as jokes or remarks indicates that there is prevalent tendency for treating women with contempt and at the same time undermining their circumstances, successes, achievements, themselves.

The worst thing is that we’ve learned to ignore the exhibits of sexism so not to be perceived as uptight or, even worse, feminist! Especially women are quietly putting up with all the jokes, pinches and insults delivered by men in a “non-serious” fashion, because we are conditioned that women and their issues are perfect subjects to joke about.

So we are told to lighten-up when we hear a joke about rape (because obviously it’s the best subject to joke about) or domestic violence (“taming your woman”) or vaginas (because something that gives a men so much pleasure and holds so much power needs to be laughted at) or lack of professionalism (“If you were a man it would be done better”) and being overly emotional in a conversation (“Control your hormones”). Jokes are a part of everyday interaction, so we should just accept them and come to terms with this sad reality.

Sometime ago I went with my boyfriend to hang out with his friends. At one time it became apparent that there was a feminist in a room (Oh my God, it’s me!) and sexist. I bore some of the remarks (even though those wasn’t really sophisticated), but I cracked up in one point. The abovementioned sexist ask my boyfriend a question:

“What would you prefer: to be with very sexy woman who cheats on you or with a normal good girl who is faithful to you?”

My boyfriend at first had no idea what’s the deal, so he said that basically he is with the sexiest and bestest woman ever who is faithful to him, so it’s no brainer (Awwwwww, he’s a sweetheart!). But the sexist pressured him to give an answer, so my bf replied that of course he would prefer to be with a girl who is faithful to him.

Than the friend asked again: “Well, but would you prefer to eat cake with friends or eat shit alone?”

WTF?!

I was shocked. For me it was like a slap in the face. With a chair. How could ANYBODY feel entitled to compare another human being to shit? How full of yourself (or shit) you have to be to even allow yourself to make this kind of comparison of another people? And feeling that you are in a position to make distinctions between “pretty” and “shitty” woman and subsequently have a real power over validation which women belong to which category.

I’m embarrassed to say as a result of shock I said few stupid misandrist jokes (I hate those, but I really wanted to make him shut up in a most belittling way possible). I achieved my goal (he shut up), but I still feel bad for saying insults towards men (it’s really not my style).

But that’s not all. The situation got even more shocking when, after all of this, I got to talk with other women in the room. They told me to not care about him and his jokes, because it’s just the way he is. Their solution is to just ignore his jokes and then everybody will be happy (because we don’t want to create a tense situation, because somebody might get offended).

If you don't want to listen
to me, then listen to
Ryan Gosling

Why people are so reluctant to object when another person displays sexist and misogynistic attitudes? Why is hardly anybody ever standing up to this kind of jokes and let others know that it’s not funny? Why we keep accepting sexist jokes, even though these are hurtful, offensive, prejudiced and most of the time absolutely unfunny?

I’ve been in various social situations when some controversial jokes where said and somebody stood up to a joker. Those included racist jokes (Man, it’s racist, it’s not funny), jokes about dead foetuses (that’s disgusting, I don’t find this funny), jokes about handicapped people or with some illness (Sick people are no laughing matter, not cool, dude). etc. But I’ve never been a witness to man standing up to sexist jokes. As if those existed in some kind of realm of immunity – a person can be openly sexist in jokes and nobody says anything in fear of…

Yeah, of what? Being called uptight? A bore? Oh wait… a feminist? What’s so terrible about that?

I had this rule about the jokes that if they are about a group of people (men, women, blacks, Chinese, Mexicans, etc.), I find them funny only if you can substitute a certain group with any other (usually the main privileged one) and the jokes will still be funny.

Of course, there are some jokes where the main character cannot be exchange into anything else (jokes about talking parrot), but those are usually not insulting to the main subject of the joke. But that’s beside the point.

Let’s take the abovementioned joke and apply my rule (and let’s make it even more stereotypically womanish).

Vespertilio: Inanna, what would you prefer: to be with this sexy and super rich guy who cheats on you or with a normal, quite poor, but good man who is faithful to you?

Inanna: Well, Vespertilio, I would most certainly prefer to be with a faithful guy.

Vespertilio: Seriously? Well, but do you think is better to share caviar with friends in a posh restaurant or to eat shit alone in a shack?

(To be honest, I feel ashamed to even write this to prove a point). 

Ashamed lion to show you how ashamed I feel.

What are your feelings towards this joke now? Is it offensive? Too aggressive? Too man-hating? Does it treat men as objects?

Now the big question: How many men do you know that would feel offended by this joke?

And if you were a part of audience, would you say something to a woman who said this joke?

I know I would, but I did remark the first joke as well. How about you?

Let’s get back for a second to the deliverer of a joke. The sexist. I just don’t get it. Where does this masculine sense of entitlement come from? How can any man feel to hold the right to debase ANY woman?

In this case we have to spectrums: me, who never comments on somebody appearance, because I’m not a beauty and besides I feel that everybody is beautiful in way; and him, a man who feels that he has a right to judge.

If you want to have a woman that looks like
Victoria Secret model, you should look like
one of Calvin Klein models.

But after that joke, I looked at him and I saw him with critical eye and the situation just got hilarious and ridiculous at the same time. There he was, this almost middle-aged man, fat, bold, with questionable hygiene and not really pleasant appearance, who has been alone for a long time, unable to pick up a girl (I know it from his various stories), afraid of rejection, who has nothing special to offer to a woman (he was neither sexy, handsome, smart, witty nor well-spoken), and yet he felt that he has a choice of women and he can choose a porn star over a normal, but in his eyes “shitty” woman.

Well that’s just bullshit.

I remember once my friend said that equality between women and men will be achieved when this fat, sweaty, bolding, unattractive woman will be walking down the street and she will be convinced that every men on the street wants to have sex with her. Well, there is nothing wrong with high self-esteem, but when this self-esteem translates into certainty of privilege to somebody’s attention, body and integrity, then we are a witnesses of everyday sexism.

Everyday sexism is a phenomenon which disproportionally befall the women. Staring, catcalling, grabbing, harassing, stalking in public places and belittling, degrading and humiliating in workplace, schools, social gatherings. Just from the top of my head I can describe many situations where I’ve been grabbed, harassed, slapped in the ass. I’ve been a victim of frotters, voyeurs, stalkers and flashing. Countless of times I’ve heard that I’m less intelligent, vain, emotional and irrational – all judgements based on the fact that I’m a woman. And since I’m declared feminist, nobody values my opinion, because it’s perceived as distorted, irrational and overly aggressive (even though I didn’t have a possibility to speak my mind, not to mention raise my voice).

And above all of that I was put into the category “women like shit” by some insolent and half-wit sexist, who believed that he’s male privilege allows him to comment on women in any way he pleases, because it’s his "birth right".

Everyday sexist is serious not because of the level of harassment it implies, but mainly because it’s scope and prevalence. Every woman has plenty stories to tell. But the worst thing about everyday sexism is that it widely unrecognised, ignored and depreciated issue that all of the women of all ages are facing.

Written by Vespertilio