Sterilisation? Take my wife!

Have you ever thought of undergoing the sterilisation procedure? Of the everlasting freedom you would get from all concerning thoughts about whether you are pregnant or not, simultaneously without losing your sexual abilities? 

Everything sounds nice if it is your own choice. But 83 women who were recently sterilised in Chhattisgarh, India, within only six hours, cannot admit they made their decision without any pressure from the family, health workers, and the society as a whole. 

Encouraged to undergo the surgery by getting between $10 to $23, 13 of them died and dozens of them fell sick because the doctor used contaminated medicines and rusty surgical equipment. The Mass Sterilisation Camp in Chhattisgarh saw the highest death toll due to the procedure in its recent history, shedding the light on the most common birth control method used in India. 

As many as 65 percent of Indian women aged between 15 and 49 have chosen the sterilisation as the form of preventing themselves from getting pregnant, according to the United Nations figures. Did you know that female sterilisation is globally the most common method of contraception? 

In fact, contraceptive pill is most common only in developed countries, while developing countries prefer to rely on the irreversible procedure, which basically always means female sterilisation, a much more risky surgery than vasectomy. 

Let’s take a look at some figures:

• 37 percent of all sterilised women on earth come from India
• 47 percent of women in the Dominican Republic chose sterilisation as contraception
• 39 percent of women in Puerto Rico also underwent the sterilisation
• Around 4.6 million women were sterilised in India between 2011 and 2012
• Only 1 percent of Indian men have had a vasectomy, compared to 36 percent of women having undergone sterilisation

Now the question arises, why so many women have undergone such a risky and difficult procedure across so many countries if the vasectomy is a much simpler surgery? A woman after sterilisation usually must stay in a hospital for a few days. A man after vasectomy can go home after this simple 15-minute-long procedure. 

In order to make a woman infertile, her abdomen must be open with an around 5 cm long cut to have her tubes tied. This usually involves a general anaesthetic. After the surgery, a woman can feel pain and all in all the surgery is much more invasive. A man needs a local anaesthetic to have his tubes that connect testicles to prostrate cut and tied. There is no pain as such involved in the procedure, apart from the one felt during the anaesthetic injection. 

A man could possibly make much more women pregnant within nine months than a woman deliver babies throughout her lifetime. If the government’s goal is to apply social birth control, why do they target women, and not men? 

Although vasectomy is a simple and non-invasive procedure, there is much more fear throbbing around it than around female sterilisation. First is the fear of pain. Ask any guy, everyone is doddering, shrinking and fretting on the thought of a surgery around their testicles. Unlike to what they show in the movies, to all those heroes who can stand any pain, have their arm or leg cut off without anaesthesia, in general men are indeed less insusceptible to pain than women. 

One, almost equally massive fear that predominates among men, is losing their virility after the vasectomy. It is a myth that a man will cease to be masculine together with the procedure. Actually, erections and sex drive stay unaffected. Plus, the freedom from worry of pregnancy can even enhance a couple’s sex life. 

Moreover, quite many rumours persist about the complications of such a surgery, while, in fact, vasectomy is one of the most studied of all medical procedures and everything indicates that it is safe. 

Shouldn’t such information be spread all around the world? Why is it that women have to sacrifice their lives only in order to safe a man from his mythological fear of losing his virility? Women in developing countries should be informed of other contraceptive options, which are often safer and much less invasive. It is always about the right to choose and once again that right being taken away from women. 

Other side of the lack of choice emerges in Poland, where apparently limiting people’s freedom of choice is a commonly used practice. There, it is illegal for a doctor to conduct a sterilisation as the law says a person who deprives another person from the ability to procreate, risks spending 10 years in prison. You cannot legally sterilise yourself in Poland, even when you have seven children, you are poor or unhealthy or another pregnancy could pose a risk to your life. 

While in most of developed countries sterilisation is officially recorded as one of the birth control methods or it is simply legal, if you happen to live in Poland or be poor in India, you can find it challenging to decide about your procreation rights and your own future. 

But who else will live your life for you rather than yourself?

Written by Nakshatri

Open Letter to All Negative and Hateful People

It’s been a while since we posted something on our blog, and we’re sorry for that. Reasons for that varies: lack of time, holidays, new places, new people, new adventures.

Mainly we haven’t written anything, because we are tired. Since we started to write this blog, we follow various news outlets and women-centered stories and we are surrounded by enormous pile of shit, it’s unbelievable. 

Of course, we should expect that, nobody promised us roses and daisies and that all be just cuddly, sweet and super – duper cool and we all be friends once we start the feminist blog.

We knew it’s going to be hard.

Nevertheless, the amount of hatred and negative energy and resentment towards women and any subject (even remotely) connected to feminism is just suffocating. It’s overwhelming. It’s appalling.

If I see any bit of news where the rape victim is blamed for her assault; where somebody is saying something so absolutely and terrifyingly sexist and stupid; where an influential speaker lacks the understanding of basic mechanisms of functioning of society, human body or psychology; where a person gets criticized for defense of somebody’s rights – I swear to God, I’m going to scream, yell, throw a tantrum and go on maniac spree where I will be painting dicks on government’s buildings. 

I’m serious.

In terms of gender equality, feminism, sexual orientation, sexual attraction, gender roles, sexual violence, misogyny and patriarchy, there is whole wide world out there of different opinions. Unfortunately, those most offensive and hateful are the one that are yelled the loudest.

I just cannot understand how much hate and negativity people bear inside of them. Is it really that difficult to understand that everybody wants normal and happy life? Is it so terrible that I, as a woman, may see the problems in modern society and just want to feel safe and have the same prospects as men? I don’t want your money, I just want the sense of security that I’m protected by law and government from exploitation, sexual assault, domestic violence, trafficking and discrimination. Is it really that much to ask?

And what about all other-than-heterosexual people? Is it really that much of a tragedy that they will commit to a person of the same sex? Many countries are accepting gay marriage and somehow the world didn’t devilishly turned upside-down. So why is it still such a tragedy to “God fearing” but really hypocritically backwards societies to accept that everybody has a right to a family, to love and be loved by a person of their choice?

Transgender and transsexual people! They are just want to bring the world to an end! If we ever see the world crumbling down, it’s because of them. How DARE they defy God’s decisions? If the God gave them penis, they are bound to love that penis and cherish that penis for the rest of their life. If the God gave them vagina, it’s designed to give pleasure to the penis, so don’t you dare getting rid of it!

For crying out loud, it doesn’t hurt society and people if one person just changes some things about their body. You can’t see it from the Eiffel Tower, you can’t see it from the moon, so it really doesn’t destroy the grand scheme of things. But it might, just MIGHT make somebody happier about and with themselves.

That’s just the few examples of the hatred and discrimination and hostility that other people endure. Most often the people who dare to be different, who dare to stand out, who dare to disagree with generally accepted norms and who dare to speak up are the ones who takes the most beatings.

So I have a message to all of those hateful and discriminating people. And other people as well.

In life and in society there are two things: things that matter and things that don’t matter.

What doesn’t matter is your opinion.

Sure, you have a right to an opinion, but generally speaking, your opinion is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if you are a “normal” person and it shouldn’t definitely matter if you are a politician or a public person. And most importantly, nobody’s opinion, that is in any way potentially discriminatory, should be taken into consideration when deciding about other people lives. Somebody’s interpretation of religious norms cannot be considered when implementing a piece of legislation. It cannot be considered when talking about other people freedoms and rights. And it unquestionably cannot lead to limitation of the rights of others.

The thing that matters is whether every person that is a part of a society, community or locality has equal rights. Can he or she do whatever they want with their life? Their career? Their future? Their body? Can her or she participate in a social life in the same way than another he or she can?

The thing that matters is that you have no right to limit freedoms of others. You have no right to spread your hate and suffocate others with your bigotry and self-ideation. There is a freedom of speech, you have a right to speak – but have also the right to remain silent. But it would be advisable for you to use the second option more often.

You have a right to have an opinion, to have your say, but don’t think for even the moment that you have a right to shove it in the faces of the others that you deem unworthy of existing. You are not creating a better future with your hatred, you are not creating anything. You are leading to a destruction of norms and deterioration of society.

I’m watching the news and I don’t believe in what I’m seeing. In Poland there is a medieval level discussion about domestic violence, with politicians and priests speaking against European Treaty on Violence Against Women. They cannot come up with a comprehensive legislation, because some politicians are against any other definition of family than “catholic” one. Also Poland is dragging its feet in terms of civil partnership or same-sex marriages, because… it’s against the “normal” definitions of families.

I see here four families? What about you?

You know what you can do with your limited definition of family? You can stick into your… significant bottom of the body. I don’t care whether you think that me and my partner are a family. I don’t care. For me, we ARE and that’s what matters. And only that should matter.

I hear the cavemen-style conversation about women being subordinate, wanting to be raped and deserving to be beaten. I see people protesting against equal rights for gay or transgender people, sex education, contraception, abortion, just basically anything that doesn’t concern them, but could somehow make other people’s life easier.

It’s sickening.

I just encountered the story, where anti-abortionists suggest euthanasia for raped women, because if they are willing to “kill” one of the rapists victims – a child, we can also kill the second victim as well. I will not even go into deeper discussion about abortion and all of the shit that “pro-life”, but really pro-nobody-f****-knows-what (because definitely it’s not life) claims. But how can a person, a man, who will NEVER get pregnant, be so fast to judge another person, their decision, their willingness to pick up the pieces after a traumatic event and carry on with what’s left of their normality. 

If you are a man, shut up on the topics of how it is to be a woman.

You are a woman who leads happy successful life? Shut up when the women who didn’t have as much luck as you do speak up of what happened to them.

You are white? Never dare to say that racism doesn’t exist and black people do not encounter any discrimination. And don’t you ever dare to say that immigrants are to blame for any mishaps in your country. You and other citizens fucked up, not them.

You are heterosexual person sure of their sexuality? Just don’t talk about how confused gay, bisexual or other-than-heterosexual people are. You now nothing, you are not them, so just shut up and let them be.

Are you happy with God-given gender? Good for you. But don’t use that God to bring down, humiliate and bully people who are convinced that God might have made mistake and they are on the path to correct that mistake.

Or maybe he is a guy who wears dreasses. Good for him, most of dresses are super comfy. You think he is disgusting? You are disgusting. He doesn't impact on your life, so stop trying to impact on his.

How can we claim to celebrate life, when most of us lack empathy, sympathy, warmth, understanding, willingness to understand (to any degree). Why is self-righteous bigotry so glorified and cherished, while any sign of solidarity with discriminated, underprivileged, victimized and invisible condemned and even socially punished?

My conclusion is as follows: if it doesn’t limit your basic human rights (below), but you don’t agree with it, just shut up and deal with it. If it does limit your rights and freedom, fight against it, but always remember – your freedom ends where another person’s starts.

Written by Vespertilio

P.S. For those who have no idea what human rights are, here is the link to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the European Convention on Human Rights. There is a high chance that you live in a country that accepted the Declaration, so get familiar with it and just try to respect rights of others.

P.S. 2. Last but not least... Song for all haters.

That little freakin’ devil that’s always around…

That little freakin’ devil I’m talking about is everyday sexism, obviously. However, today I would like to talk about acceptance of everyday sexism. We as a society are slowly starting to be sensitive to open and hostile examples of sexism – domestic violence, hateful comments,  etc. but we are still either ignorant or passive towards these small displays of sexism that seems like nothing. But they are something. Something actually quite big. And very serious.

Because even the smallest example of sexism, such as jokes or remarks indicates that there is prevalent tendency for treating women with contempt and at the same time undermining their circumstances, successes, achievements, themselves.

The worst thing is that we’ve learned to ignore the exhibits of sexism so not to be perceived as uptight or, even worse, feminist! Especially women are quietly putting up with all the jokes, pinches and insults delivered by men in a “non-serious” fashion, because we are conditioned that women and their issues are perfect subjects to joke about.

So we are told to lighten-up when we hear a joke about rape (because obviously it’s the best subject to joke about) or domestic violence (“taming your woman”) or vaginas (because something that gives a men so much pleasure and holds so much power needs to be laughted at) or lack of professionalism (“If you were a man it would be done better”) and being overly emotional in a conversation (“Control your hormones”). Jokes are a part of everyday interaction, so we should just accept them and come to terms with this sad reality.

Sometime ago I went with my boyfriend to hang out with his friends. At one time it became apparent that there was a feminist in a room (Oh my God, it’s me!) and sexist. I bore some of the remarks (even though those wasn’t really sophisticated), but I cracked up in one point. The abovementioned sexist ask my boyfriend a question:

“What would you prefer: to be with very sexy woman who cheats on you or with a normal good girl who is faithful to you?”

My boyfriend at first had no idea what’s the deal, so he said that basically he is with the sexiest and bestest woman ever who is faithful to him, so it’s no brainer (Awwwwww, he’s a sweetheart!). But the sexist pressured him to give an answer, so my bf replied that of course he would prefer to be with a girl who is faithful to him.

Than the friend asked again: “Well, but would you prefer to eat cake with friends or eat shit alone?”

WTF?!

I was shocked. For me it was like a slap in the face. With a chair. How could ANYBODY feel entitled to compare another human being to shit? How full of yourself (or shit) you have to be to even allow yourself to make this kind of comparison of another people? And feeling that you are in a position to make distinctions between “pretty” and “shitty” woman and subsequently have a real power over validation which women belong to which category.

I’m embarrassed to say as a result of shock I said few stupid misandrist jokes (I hate those, but I really wanted to make him shut up in a most belittling way possible). I achieved my goal (he shut up), but I still feel bad for saying insults towards men (it’s really not my style).

But that’s not all. The situation got even more shocking when, after all of this, I got to talk with other women in the room. They told me to not care about him and his jokes, because it’s just the way he is. Their solution is to just ignore his jokes and then everybody will be happy (because we don’t want to create a tense situation, because somebody might get offended).

If you don't want to listen
to me, then listen to
Ryan Gosling

Why people are so reluctant to object when another person displays sexist and misogynistic attitudes? Why is hardly anybody ever standing up to this kind of jokes and let others know that it’s not funny? Why we keep accepting sexist jokes, even though these are hurtful, offensive, prejudiced and most of the time absolutely unfunny?

I’ve been in various social situations when some controversial jokes where said and somebody stood up to a joker. Those included racist jokes (Man, it’s racist, it’s not funny), jokes about dead foetuses (that’s disgusting, I don’t find this funny), jokes about handicapped people or with some illness (Sick people are no laughing matter, not cool, dude). etc. But I’ve never been a witness to man standing up to sexist jokes. As if those existed in some kind of realm of immunity – a person can be openly sexist in jokes and nobody says anything in fear of…

Yeah, of what? Being called uptight? A bore? Oh wait… a feminist? What’s so terrible about that?

I had this rule about the jokes that if they are about a group of people (men, women, blacks, Chinese, Mexicans, etc.), I find them funny only if you can substitute a certain group with any other (usually the main privileged one) and the jokes will still be funny.

Of course, there are some jokes where the main character cannot be exchange into anything else (jokes about talking parrot), but those are usually not insulting to the main subject of the joke. But that’s beside the point.

Let’s take the abovementioned joke and apply my rule (and let’s make it even more stereotypically womanish).

Vespertilio: Inanna, what would you prefer: to be with this sexy and super rich guy who cheats on you or with a normal, quite poor, but good man who is faithful to you?

Inanna: Well, Vespertilio, I would most certainly prefer to be with a faithful guy.

Vespertilio: Seriously? Well, but do you think is better to share caviar with friends in a posh restaurant or to eat shit alone in a shack?

(To be honest, I feel ashamed to even write this to prove a point). 

Ashamed lion to show you how ashamed I feel.

What are your feelings towards this joke now? Is it offensive? Too aggressive? Too man-hating? Does it treat men as objects?

Now the big question: How many men do you know that would feel offended by this joke?

And if you were a part of audience, would you say something to a woman who said this joke?

I know I would, but I did remark the first joke as well. How about you?

Let’s get back for a second to the deliverer of a joke. The sexist. I just don’t get it. Where does this masculine sense of entitlement come from? How can any man feel to hold the right to debase ANY woman?

In this case we have to spectrums: me, who never comments on somebody appearance, because I’m not a beauty and besides I feel that everybody is beautiful in way; and him, a man who feels that he has a right to judge.

If you want to have a woman that looks like
Victoria Secret model, you should look like
one of Calvin Klein models.

But after that joke, I looked at him and I saw him with critical eye and the situation just got hilarious and ridiculous at the same time. There he was, this almost middle-aged man, fat, bold, with questionable hygiene and not really pleasant appearance, who has been alone for a long time, unable to pick up a girl (I know it from his various stories), afraid of rejection, who has nothing special to offer to a woman (he was neither sexy, handsome, smart, witty nor well-spoken), and yet he felt that he has a choice of women and he can choose a porn star over a normal, but in his eyes “shitty” woman.

Well that’s just bullshit.

I remember once my friend said that equality between women and men will be achieved when this fat, sweaty, bolding, unattractive woman will be walking down the street and she will be convinced that every men on the street wants to have sex with her. Well, there is nothing wrong with high self-esteem, but when this self-esteem translates into certainty of privilege to somebody’s attention, body and integrity, then we are a witnesses of everyday sexism.

Everyday sexism is a phenomenon which disproportionally befall the women. Staring, catcalling, grabbing, harassing, stalking in public places and belittling, degrading and humiliating in workplace, schools, social gatherings. Just from the top of my head I can describe many situations where I’ve been grabbed, harassed, slapped in the ass. I’ve been a victim of frotters, voyeurs, stalkers and flashing. Countless of times I’ve heard that I’m less intelligent, vain, emotional and irrational – all judgements based on the fact that I’m a woman. And since I’m declared feminist, nobody values my opinion, because it’s perceived as distorted, irrational and overly aggressive (even though I didn’t have a possibility to speak my mind, not to mention raise my voice).

And above all of that I was put into the category “women like shit” by some insolent and half-wit sexist, who believed that he’s male privilege allows him to comment on women in any way he pleases, because it’s his "birth right".

Everyday sexist is serious not because of the level of harassment it implies, but mainly because it’s scope and prevalence. Every woman has plenty stories to tell. But the worst thing about everyday sexism is that it widely unrecognised, ignored and depreciated issue that all of the women of all ages are facing.

Written by Vespertilio

SHAMING US INTO SILENCE

In this article I would like to take a look at response of society to sexual abuse and how it influences the victim’s reaction to their experience.

It’s always neat to start up with some stats, like “every two minutes woman in USA will be sexually assaulted”, but the fact is – I wouldn't give a penny for rape, molestation or child molestation statistics. Why? According to RAINN 60% of rapes are not reported. I know way too many people who were sexually assaulted and never reported it and I would go for more than 60% unreported cases, way more than that. This underreporting can actually be a landslide number, so yes, I don’t pay attention to rape statistics. 

RAINN statistics 

I would like to discuss rape and molestation from perspective of European and American societies, not even going into arguments of why in countries like Egypt or Saudi Arabia rape is statistically nonexistent. (In fact, following statistics can make you believe, that Egypt is a country with one of the least number of rapes. Whom are we kidding? Women were being gang raped during protests in Tahrir Square, so do you think this is how safe country for women looks like?)

As many brutal cases of rape proved it, we have collective problem in judging sexual crimes. I am not going to discus court rulings here, I would like to look at reactions to rape of news recipients, people watching TV and reading newspaper articles. Every now and then some story makes its way into mainstream media and that gives us an update of what people really think about sexual abuse victims.

People tend to talk about the victim, not the rapist. 

Orange County gang rape  is a good example of how sexual assault polarizes the society. In this case, video showing an unconscious teenager being brutally raped (meaning: penetrated without consent, she was unconscious for God’s sake!) by 3 jolly boys is not enough to prove that this girl is a victim and deserves our support and sympathy.  Victim of rape was publicly proclaimed a slut and has to live around people who believe she ruined lives of 3 nice boys, by sending them to prison for 7 years (yes, in the eyes of law this brutal act deserved punishment of 7 years only). 

"She was drunk, she got horny", "she wanted it, but she's ashamed of it now, so she calls it rape", "what was she doing in a party anyway??" - That's what we call slut shaming, honey. 

Her friends were happy to testify in favor of rapists, and even today they go on Internet to spread lies about her. Long story short, thanks to people's sympathy to the rapist, this girl is constantly shamed and scrutinized, because living with the pain of being rape survivor is not enough. And maybe case is old, it happened in 2004, but these comments about it are fairly recent, which only shows what victim of this crime has to put up with even 10 years after rape happened. 

More about ex-friends here

Court trial is hard enough for any sexual assault victim, but public prosecution is nastier and it can go on forever. Guilty verdict for rapist doesn't mean anything for people who already decided the girl is a slut and most probably, they will never change their minds. 

Another brilliant example of how rape victims are perceived by a society and are depicted in media, was the statement of George Will claiming that young women in college report rape, because of the future priviledges they will receive as rape survivor. The statement is ridiculous in itself, not to mention that it's unworthy of educated successful person. We hear so little stories from rape survivors and all of them are gruesome and heartbreaking. I cannot imagine what kind of privileges could possibly await the rape victim. 

In response to this outrageous statement, sexual violence survivors are sharing their experience on Twitter with hashtag #SurvivorPriviledge. It's worth reading for anybody, who even considers that being a rape survivor is an awesome thing and puts you in exclusively privileged group of people. 

Another interesting statistic is the number of false rape accusations. Because that's what drives the disbelief for EVERY rape and sexual violence victim, because there is soooo many women and girls who "cry wolf". Well, it couldn't be further from the truth. Official statistics in countries such as USA or many countries in EU indicate that false reports constitute between 2-10% of all rape reports. Not cases - reports. So if we take the official statistics and we take into consideration real life rape cases that hasn't been reported, false accusations make up for really really really tiny part of all rape instances. So why we as a society persist to question the truthfulness of rape survivors, when more than 90% of them reported a crime that really happened?

Even though that most of the legal definition of rape it is stated that absence of yes is a presence of no, but absence of no is not the presence of yes. Consent is stated and defined clearly, but somehow people are still ready justify rape and rapists if the victim didn't yell with all her power "no, don't do this, noooooo!"


Reporting rape is like going through hell for the assaulted. And I didn't even talk about treatment by police and doctors who can be just as judgmental as all rape apologists writing comments on Internet!!!! Living with a stigma of a slut is nothing that any person dreams of, so many just chose to stay quiet. Many women and men know that it will be too hard to prove their innocence, so they don’t even try and live with sense of injustice ever after.

If we have such problem sympathizing with a girl who was drugged and had juice cans pushed into her vagina, how can we ever sympathize with a victim of molestation or child molestation where there are no screams, no blood, no bruises, no witnesses, only victim’s feeling of violation, feeling of being raped? 

Molesters are most often people we trust. Fathers, mothers, uncles, family friends, teachers. We are taught since we are little not to talk to strangers, not to trust outsiders, so when we are out on the streets we have our guards up, we are careful. If we are assaulted by a stranger we know what to call it, after all we didn't have anything to do with this person. But how to react when person who hurts us is our father or other trusted person? They wouldn't do anything to hurt us, would they? Whom to turn to when it is our parent/friend of a parent/family member who is hurting us? Saying that they hurt us would make them feel bad and we shouldn't hurt family. Isn't that correct? 

Fear and inability to define what kind of wrong had been done is another reason for victims to stay quiet and not to report the crime to anyone.

Perhaps, accepting that a little girl molested by an adult is a victim is not that difficult. After all, she’s just like 5 or 8 years old, she couldn't possibly know what was being done to her. With boys it’s a little harder. We tend to feel less sympathetic for them; it’s again our broken perceptions about gender in action. Sexual abuse is something that happens mostly to women, we think. But this opinion is based on statistics and you already know what I think about them. Men are not likely to report sexual abuse, because it’s a shame for a man not to enjoy sex or let women be dominant, take control of his body; it would prove he’s not strong enough, not manly enough.

What about teenagers and adults who were molested, especially when victims are male? Again, there was no penetration, no blood to show in a shocking movie or TV series, but somebody forced victim to touch him/her, forced victim to watch sexual action like masturbation, stimulated victim’s genitals or forced him/her to oral sex.

Are we able to feel bad for them? Are we able to believe when they say “I was molested, I didn't enjoy it, and I didn't want it. I wish I could forget what happened to me.”?

If we can call victim of rape a slut, what do we call a victim of molestation? A liar? Storyteller? Even the word “molestation” doesn't represent the true weight of this crime. Rape is scary, molestation is something, well, it can be anything. Who cares about a boy who saw old priest masturbating if we don’t care about a gang raped girl?

There are families where generations of girls are subjected to molestation and they can’t open their mouths to stop their perpetrator, because they don’t have soft cushion of support around them. All they have is dark mass of people waiting to call someone a WHORE.

I’m sorry for writing “we don’t care”, but as long as we don’t challenge rape apologists, both online and offline, we are complicit to slut shaming and perpetuation of rape culture.

To make things even more cheerful, there is no agreement on a simple thing as what (instinctively) is meant by sexual violence and rape. Well, the boy hasn't been touched, he was just forced to watch, so it wasn't sexual abuse, was it? Or the girl didn't had anything put in her vagina, so it wasn't rape. Or the tearing and burns and bleeding around victims intimate parts could just as well be a result of consensual sex, isn't that right? Well, we have a proof of intercourse, but it's her word against his and his reputation. Of course we won't believe her.

Can you imagine the situation that you have a drunk driver who hits a woman on a crossing, but instead at looking what happened you are justifying the driver, because he is such a good man, but he had just too many drinks. And anyway what was she doing on that crossing? You wouldn't blame the victim (woman) for getting hit by a drunk driver, because he shouldn't have done that, especially if he is a decent guy! So why suddenly the same drunk man is excused when he forces himself on a girl and rapes her? Why those situations strengthen the perception of decency of the perpetrators and weakens the reliability of the victim? After watching/hearing/reading about what those boys from Orange County did to that girl, how can anybody believe that they are decent boys? The act in itself was repulsive and they did that with the smile on their faces! What kind of decent person does that?

All of us, encouraging survivors to tell their stories would help society to open their eyes and ears to crimes that can take place only when we are not looking, only when we are not listening, only when we choose not to talk about them. Molestation and rape continue to happen because we, as the society, prefer to scrutinize morals of the victim, not morals of the perpetrator.

I personally don’t think that during my life time people will understand that victim doesn't have to be bruised up and covered in blood to be a victim. There are crimes that leave only mental scars  and we should be civilized enough to acknowledge them and their harmfulness. There is no other crime like rape where evidence don't matter - what matters is a proved "decency" of a perpetrator and alleged "slutness" of a victim. 

Victim shaming works in favor of the criminals, it creates an atmosphere of impunity. We can stop rape culture, you can stop rape culture. Don't judge other people when you don't know their story, don't call other women "sluts" or "whores". Understand, that dress is not a reason for rape. Make up, drinking and even flirting is not a "yes". 

Talk about rapists, not the victims.

If you are survivor of sexual abuse, talk about it, write about. Your story is important and it can help saving other people from experiencing the same hell you had to go through.

Written by Inanna and Vespertilio

P.S. If you are a victim of sexual violence and you struggle to come to terms with what happened to you, have a look at our section "Food for Thought" and have a look at the materials written by Dr Nina Burrowes. She found a simple way to show the victims of this crimes that you are not alone and that you can be helped with whatever you are going through.

Let's have sex! A lot! ...or not...?

I love sex.

I simply love it. I could have sex anytime, anywhere, always. It is perfect for stress relieve, I sleep better at night and I’m waking up more relaxed after good sex during the night. Sex is amazing.

And what is even more amazing is my boyfriend. Me and my boyfriend started our relationship with sex. We started living together very quickly and in the process we discovered that we are perfect for each other. We are like one soul in two bodies. We understand each other’s needs and desires perfectly. I couldn’t imagine a better partner to build a future with. And have sex.

But it hasn’t always been like that. We had our problems, our issues, our fights. One of which concerned… sex.

Most of you probably know by now that sex is more than physical connection. It’s spiritual, mental and emotional bond between two people. In order to enjoy sex, you need to value your partner and you have to absolutely trust him/her.

Also, in order for sex to be amazingly satisfying, you have to be in a mood for sex.

In the beginning of our relationship, sex wasn’t a problem. It was a base and a glue. Whenever we had time – we had sex. But after some time, the situation changed and then the problem appeared. We no longer had amazing sex, never, nowhere. My Mr. Perfect stopped looking at me with desire. He stopped touching me and grabbing me. I thought he stopped wanting me. Our sex live become routine, with little affection and consideration for another person pleasure. He stopped wanting to please me. He stopped anything. I didn’t understand why.

During that time I put up on weight, so I thought that was the issue. I was depressed, I had a problems with self-esteem. I became argumentative and aggressive towards him. I started demanding better sex and when I didn’t get it, I got angry. He withdrawn from our conversations.

One day I decided to confront him. I told him what was hurting me and that I can’t take it anymore. I wanted to break up. But I’m giving him a chance to say something. To talk to me.

And he talked. He told me that he is worrying about his job, that he is not happy with what he is doing. That he doesn’t know what to do with his life. That he cannot give me what he wants me to have. That his performance in bed is terrible and he can’t help the feeling that it won’t get better. That something might be wrong with him. Finally he said that most of the time he doesn’t feel like having sex.

I was shocked. Not with what he confessed to me, but that he hasn’t talked to me earlier.

Why didn’t he tell me that he didn’t want to have sex?

He didn’t need to answer that, it was obvious. As a man he is obliged to want sex and not wanting to have sex is a sign of weakness. On the other hand, I am a woman. I shouldn’t be so aware of my sexuality and my needs. And most importantly it’s not normal that a woman wants sex more than a man.

So he didn’t say anything. He suffered in silence, wanting to conform to the norms of masculinity by not showing signs of vulnerability and stress and at the same time longing for a support and understanding. His stress affected his sexual performance what made him feel even more emasculated and weak. And I wasn’t helping, because of my own sexist perceptions.

I couldn’t understand why my man doesn’t want what I have to offer. And instead of trying to get to the bottom of this, I was drowning in self-pity and my own misconceptions: he doesn’t want to have sex, because of me. I am more of a man in this relationship, because I want sex more than he does. And we both undermined my self-esteem: he - by wanting desperately to be a “man”, so he refused to acknowledge his feelings and talk to me about this; and I – by being afraid of negative labelling and not allowing myself to be have sexual needs.

But the truth is, we both failed to understand that men are allowed to not to have sex and women can be more sexually active than men.

Yup, you hear me: MEN ARE ALLOWED TO NOT TO WANT SEX.

Duuuuh. Of course they can! Well, can they? Probably all of us have heard about some guy who was offered a sex by some nice girl and refused. Or maybe you even know somebody who admitted that he was raped by a women. What did you think? Probably something along the lines: “how could he refuse easy sex?” or “he should be happy that a girl wanted to have sex with him” or even “how can a woman rape a man?”. So once again, do we allow men to say no?

My boyfriend could just say no. He could tell me that he is not in a mood. Because he is allowed to do so. And I shouldn’t feel guilty that I love sex so much. It doesn’t make me promiscuous or slutty, because I’ve never cheated on my boyfriend. I just love sex.

The labelling of women and sexual pressure on men are major problems in a modern society. Although some norms and perceptions are changing, the underlying stereotypes about men and women sexual needs don’t. We are slowly accepting that women can have many sexual partners and can enjoy an adventurous sex life, but we still want to see and expect to see an inequality in sexual activity: men should ALWAYS want sex MORE than a women. Well, men should ALWAYS want sex. Period.

Women are sexualized and objectified in the modern media, but most of us want to have a liberty to show their body with less and less clothes on. Society is accepting that the women have a variety of clothing styles to choose from which shows more skin. And we women, usually by dressing in provocative dresses, want to say to the world: I am free to do what I want. And it also applies to freedom in sex life. But at the same time, we are always highlighting our right to say “no” and to withdraw our consent at any time.

On the other hand, media strengthens the stereotypical masculinity. In popular music we see muscular men who are successful with women, are always in search of new score, trying to get a girl, getting a girl and searching for another one (sometimes all in the same time). In the modern music and movies there is so much pressure to have sex and be promiscuous, that it’s almost sickening. And what is frequently lacking from the picture are men who are NOT having sex. Who do NOT chase the pretty girl. Who do NOT think only about sex. Just as we, as a society, were not ready to accept men’s freedom is sex life and their right to say “no”.

I love my boyfriend, so I would never do anything against his will. I would never force him to have sex. Our problem came from misunderstanding of our needs and subconscious need to conform to our assigned gender norms. But once we realized what the real problem is, we stopped having a problem. By allowing ourselves to have freedom of choice, we drew closer to each other.

But not every man experience this level of understanding. Various research indicate that men are oftentimes victims of sexual violence by women. I will not even mention child sexual abuse by women. I mean forced penetration on men by women. And this phenomenon isn’t rare.

The US Centre for Disease Control conducted the Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (2010) and their results are appalling. It suggested that the rates of men being forced to penetrate women over the past year was identical to the rates of women reporting being raped, each 1.1%. Lifetime prevalence of the crimes were 4.8% for men and 17.8% for women. Meanwhile men reporting sex through coercion was 1.5% over the past year (6% lifetime) compared to 2% (13% lifetime) for women.

This isn’t normal, nor it’s acceptable. We all want to enjoy sex on our own terms, with the person we want to have sex. The societal expectations and norms put too much pressure on both women and men. Women should not feel guilty because of their desires and sexual drives. We should be able to enjoy sex the way is satisfying to us, as frequent as we want, and change partners as often as we want.

At the same time, we need to learn, and men need to realize that it is okay for them to refuse sex. Men have full right to not be in a mood, not liking the girl, not wanting to have sex with this particular woman. Not wanting to have sex at all.

If we want equality, we need to accept an equal right to enjoy sex and to not want sex.

Written by Vespertilio

Pictures:

http://static.abposters.com/image/750/stickers/i-love-sex-i7782.jpg

https://s1.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/gndrh2oCMwOVzEslOak9TA--/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7cT04NTt3PTMxMA--/http://media.zenfs.com/en-US/blogs/partner/mr_eaa4bae632d77b.jpg

http://www.demotivation.us/media/demotivators/demotivation.us_Men-only-want-sex-You-can-hear-women-say-it-more-times-than-men-actually-think-about-sex-_13267339685.jpg

http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/ff/ff0d66a35c8ff746d4286df8bf8b1a26113bdf082bfad942c50e42636f6ccd83.jpg

http://themoosemethod.com/wp-content/uploads/JustSayNo1.jpg

http://www.nottodaythemovie.com/_images/logo_nottoday.png

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAFmAXU5FnFc0WsSNpBCnomf6FjiMvAd4wmUchB1ElNKGcUw0oc7aj9UnRGqkDED5ePPd3lcCKpzPQV8HD7ibIMbU16Gy_BjKfmsLZV1rRG7hfRo9zjgi_nvzL8iNqO7xg3eS69rgN3EFo/s1600/confused.jpg