That little freakin’ devil that’s always around…

That little freakin’ devil I’m talking about is everyday sexism, obviously. However, today I would like to talk about acceptance of everyday sexism. We as a society are slowly starting to be sensitive to open and hostile examples of sexism – domestic violence, hateful comments,  etc. but we are still either ignorant or passive towards these small displays of sexism that seems like nothing. But they are something. Something actually quite big. And very serious.

Because even the smallest example of sexism, such as jokes or remarks indicates that there is prevalent tendency for treating women with contempt and at the same time undermining their circumstances, successes, achievements, themselves.

The worst thing is that we’ve learned to ignore the exhibits of sexism so not to be perceived as uptight or, even worse, feminist! Especially women are quietly putting up with all the jokes, pinches and insults delivered by men in a “non-serious” fashion, because we are conditioned that women and their issues are perfect subjects to joke about.

So we are told to lighten-up when we hear a joke about rape (because obviously it’s the best subject to joke about) or domestic violence (“taming your woman”) or vaginas (because something that gives a men so much pleasure and holds so much power needs to be laughted at) or lack of professionalism (“If you were a man it would be done better”) and being overly emotional in a conversation (“Control your hormones”). Jokes are a part of everyday interaction, so we should just accept them and come to terms with this sad reality.

Sometime ago I went with my boyfriend to hang out with his friends. At one time it became apparent that there was a feminist in a room (Oh my God, it’s me!) and sexist. I bore some of the remarks (even though those wasn’t really sophisticated), but I cracked up in one point. The abovementioned sexist ask my boyfriend a question:

“What would you prefer: to be with very sexy woman who cheats on you or with a normal good girl who is faithful to you?”

My boyfriend at first had no idea what’s the deal, so he said that basically he is with the sexiest and bestest woman ever who is faithful to him, so it’s no brainer (Awwwwww, he’s a sweetheart!). But the sexist pressured him to give an answer, so my bf replied that of course he would prefer to be with a girl who is faithful to him.

Than the friend asked again: “Well, but would you prefer to eat cake with friends or eat shit alone?”

WTF?!

I was shocked. For me it was like a slap in the face. With a chair. How could ANYBODY feel entitled to compare another human being to shit? How full of yourself (or shit) you have to be to even allow yourself to make this kind of comparison of another people? And feeling that you are in a position to make distinctions between “pretty” and “shitty” woman and subsequently have a real power over validation which women belong to which category.

I’m embarrassed to say as a result of shock I said few stupid misandrist jokes (I hate those, but I really wanted to make him shut up in a most belittling way possible). I achieved my goal (he shut up), but I still feel bad for saying insults towards men (it’s really not my style).

But that’s not all. The situation got even more shocking when, after all of this, I got to talk with other women in the room. They told me to not care about him and his jokes, because it’s just the way he is. Their solution is to just ignore his jokes and then everybody will be happy (because we don’t want to create a tense situation, because somebody might get offended).

If you don't want to listen
to me, then listen to
Ryan Gosling

Why people are so reluctant to object when another person displays sexist and misogynistic attitudes? Why is hardly anybody ever standing up to this kind of jokes and let others know that it’s not funny? Why we keep accepting sexist jokes, even though these are hurtful, offensive, prejudiced and most of the time absolutely unfunny?

I’ve been in various social situations when some controversial jokes where said and somebody stood up to a joker. Those included racist jokes (Man, it’s racist, it’s not funny), jokes about dead foetuses (that’s disgusting, I don’t find this funny), jokes about handicapped people or with some illness (Sick people are no laughing matter, not cool, dude). etc. But I’ve never been a witness to man standing up to sexist jokes. As if those existed in some kind of realm of immunity – a person can be openly sexist in jokes and nobody says anything in fear of…

Yeah, of what? Being called uptight? A bore? Oh wait… a feminist? What’s so terrible about that?

I had this rule about the jokes that if they are about a group of people (men, women, blacks, Chinese, Mexicans, etc.), I find them funny only if you can substitute a certain group with any other (usually the main privileged one) and the jokes will still be funny.

Of course, there are some jokes where the main character cannot be exchange into anything else (jokes about talking parrot), but those are usually not insulting to the main subject of the joke. But that’s beside the point.

Let’s take the abovementioned joke and apply my rule (and let’s make it even more stereotypically womanish).

Vespertilio: Inanna, what would you prefer: to be with this sexy and super rich guy who cheats on you or with a normal, quite poor, but good man who is faithful to you?

Inanna: Well, Vespertilio, I would most certainly prefer to be with a faithful guy.

Vespertilio: Seriously? Well, but do you think is better to share caviar with friends in a posh restaurant or to eat shit alone in a shack?

(To be honest, I feel ashamed to even write this to prove a point). 

Ashamed lion to show you how ashamed I feel.

What are your feelings towards this joke now? Is it offensive? Too aggressive? Too man-hating? Does it treat men as objects?

Now the big question: How many men do you know that would feel offended by this joke?

And if you were a part of audience, would you say something to a woman who said this joke?

I know I would, but I did remark the first joke as well. How about you?

Let’s get back for a second to the deliverer of a joke. The sexist. I just don’t get it. Where does this masculine sense of entitlement come from? How can any man feel to hold the right to debase ANY woman?

In this case we have to spectrums: me, who never comments on somebody appearance, because I’m not a beauty and besides I feel that everybody is beautiful in way; and him, a man who feels that he has a right to judge.

If you want to have a woman that looks like
Victoria Secret model, you should look like
one of Calvin Klein models.

But after that joke, I looked at him and I saw him with critical eye and the situation just got hilarious and ridiculous at the same time. There he was, this almost middle-aged man, fat, bold, with questionable hygiene and not really pleasant appearance, who has been alone for a long time, unable to pick up a girl (I know it from his various stories), afraid of rejection, who has nothing special to offer to a woman (he was neither sexy, handsome, smart, witty nor well-spoken), and yet he felt that he has a choice of women and he can choose a porn star over a normal, but in his eyes “shitty” woman.

Well that’s just bullshit.

I remember once my friend said that equality between women and men will be achieved when this fat, sweaty, bolding, unattractive woman will be walking down the street and she will be convinced that every men on the street wants to have sex with her. Well, there is nothing wrong with high self-esteem, but when this self-esteem translates into certainty of privilege to somebody’s attention, body and integrity, then we are a witnesses of everyday sexism.

Everyday sexism is a phenomenon which disproportionally befall the women. Staring, catcalling, grabbing, harassing, stalking in public places and belittling, degrading and humiliating in workplace, schools, social gatherings. Just from the top of my head I can describe many situations where I’ve been grabbed, harassed, slapped in the ass. I’ve been a victim of frotters, voyeurs, stalkers and flashing. Countless of times I’ve heard that I’m less intelligent, vain, emotional and irrational – all judgements based on the fact that I’m a woman. And since I’m declared feminist, nobody values my opinion, because it’s perceived as distorted, irrational and overly aggressive (even though I didn’t have a possibility to speak my mind, not to mention raise my voice).

And above all of that I was put into the category “women like shit” by some insolent and half-wit sexist, who believed that he’s male privilege allows him to comment on women in any way he pleases, because it’s his "birth right".

Everyday sexist is serious not because of the level of harassment it implies, but mainly because it’s scope and prevalence. Every woman has plenty stories to tell. But the worst thing about everyday sexism is that it widely unrecognised, ignored and depreciated issue that all of the women of all ages are facing.

Written by Vespertilio

What feminists are secretly dreaming of...

“Young women – our friend or foe?” I recall Carie Bradshaw asking herself this question in one of the episodes of “Sex and the City”.

Recently, I've been thinking about generation gap between women. It seems like for whatever reason many older women feel threatened by younger women. "Threatened" might be too strong of a word here, but the idea of husbands abandoning their wives for younger women is present in almost every country on the planet. 

I have often witnessed women looking with nostalgia at younger girls… as if those bad hairstyles from their 20s were really something to be missed.  I see the longing for youth in my private life, but I also see the often exaggerated version of it in our stories, TV series and movies. Take fairytale about Snow White for example, or movie “Catwoman”. In so many stories there is an evil women, that is so terrified of losing her beauty and youth that she is ready to harm other, younger women. What we don’t see though is the probability that when Snow White grows to be 40 or 50 she will turn into the same evil women her step mother was.

Are these evil characters to be blamed for their evilness? Of course, we should never kill anyone or harm in any other way. I was thinking should we really blame women for their fear of aging and desperation that many of them feel about inevitable end of their youthful charms?

If you are a woman and you grew up on the same planet as me, you probably feel it on more or less conscious level that the most important thing that a girl can be is “beautiful”. You felt it at school, you felt it during family meetings, on holidays, while reading a magazine, while shopping, while meeting up with your girl friends. You felt that the pretty girls always attract attention first and for that reason, at some point of your life wished you were more beautiful. 

Now, unless you look like a goddess, you can probably agree with some of the above. Looks are not everything, but we all know that in current scenario we can be as successful as we want to be, but our weight, wrinkles or wardrobe will not escape the watchful gazes of our friends, colleagues and family. Positive attention gives illusion of power and for that reason when we feel invisible, we feel somehow powerless. This happens to our moms and grandmas, if we don’t take any action, it will happen to us. Getting old doesn't have to feel bad.

It’s sad that we live in the world that is hammering the image of “perfect beauty” into our heads wherever we go. The images of perfectly skinny, blemishless, young women follow us like a shadow. We all know it, we all feel it. You see, even in the era of Photoshop you can be lucky enough to be born with a body type of a model. It’s rare, but it happens. Plus we have make up, we can cover the occasional pimple and still feel fine, but even make up has its limitations. With all creams, pills, diets, operations and cosmetic procedures, there is no way we can escape our old age, erase all wrinkles, stop our body from going through natural process of aging.

Aging woman is hardly ever a symbol of wisdom, or symbol of anything for that matter, older women are not shown to us on TV or in magazines, they are invisible. Can you recall when was the last time you have seen 60 something women on the news as guest or show host? Women, just like men, have more and more to say as they gain experience with age, yet we don’t hear from them very often. Instead, pretty much all women over 20 are depicted as desperate to turn back the clock and be 20 again. (It’s actually ridiculous that I started this article with quote from fictional 30 year old women who already thought girls in their 20s might be her foe! As if 30 was already old!)

It’s incredibly sad how our culture treats older women, as if they were invisible or not good enough for our eyes. The same with obese women or short women – they are all treated like they are not good enough to be shown in our media. 

For example, it is utterly hypocritical how we look at pregnant women with joy and respect, but as soon as they give birth it’s like they don’t have any excuse for that big post pregnancy belly. All moms are supposed to quickly hit the gym to go back to their pre-baby body asap. Images of post pregnancy celebrities are again feeding us guilt about our body after birth. Internet is full of articles about "how to get your body back", as if women lost something. You gave birth and put on some weight, don’t be lazy or too happy, work that body girl!!! Sweat till you injure your recently torn vagina! One would think that at least mothers that we supposedly respect so much would have some time off from the body guilt game, but noooo…. Happy women who are ok with their body means no good business.

I have two brothers; one is 6 years younger than me. During her last pregnancy, my mom has put on a lot of weight and has been trying to get rid of it since I remember. Her dieting sent me a clear message – something is wrong with my mom’s body. Magazines and TV quickly provided me with the answer. My mom, with her body type, post pregnancy fat and stretch marks is not considered beautiful.

What a shame! After I realized that my perception of beauty is created by images that surround me I noticed how much of it is clearly wrong! The beauty culture that we see today is designed to keep majority of women, me and my mom included, desperate to change their body. Do I have to explain how extremely profitable is keeping women in constant need of magic diet pills, slimming creams and anti –aging creams?

For our own sake, we, women need to redefine beauty. My mom’s body is beautiful. She sacrificed her flat belly, perky breasts and tight vagina for me, for my existence. Isn't it amazing? I am responsible for at least 1/3 of these stretch marks! Looking at her from perspective of gratefulness is amazing. Her body produced my body.

This sentence should have the power to close all generation gap. Older women should be proud, not anxious, looking at younger women – relaxing in the idea that we literally came out of their bodies. And this pride should not be directed only to mothers. Women before me made my amazing life possible. I have tones of opportunities and it’s only thanks to them. They are pioneers who came before us, and they have awful lot to be proud of. My mother gave me my body, but there are countless women that I’m thankful for, because they have fought for me, for my rights that I enjoy so much today.

I’m an atheist and I attach my creation to the fact that my parents fucked, not to divine intervention of any god. There is surely something divine about it, but I prefer to thank my parents for my life, not god. I wish my mom could take full half of the credit for my creation and rejoice in the fact, that my young body is extension of her own body. 

I wish we could slowly create a culture where women take immense pride in growing older. I mean, it’s not easy to get old, just imagine all the stupid things you did when you were in college, or imagine how many people die in car accidents or from heart disease, it’s not as easy to grow old as we think it is… But I digress, where was I….

It isn’t true that feminists dream of dominating men. I am a feminist and one of my biggest feminist fantasies is women celebrating femininity. I want to see more women being supportive of each other. One of the feminist goals is creating society were women are friends, allies; not envious, vicious enemies, fighting for men or those few CEO positions. See, it’s not only about being equal with men, but also about being equal with each other, women to women. Without thinking which one of us is more capable to attract a male based on our beauty or age. “Sisterhood”, this word is so beautiful and yet sounds so… uncomfortable compared to “brotherhood”.

Perhaps dreams of sisterhood are not so uncommon if you look at the appeal of shows about female friendships, like “Sex and The City” or my favorite one, “The Golden Girls”. I have a feeling that we all secretly dream of heaving group of female friends where we could feel fully accepted. We all dream of some kind of women’s club where we could celebrate femininity more often than once, twice a year while choosing prom dress or wedding dress.

The only reason of writing this post was to express my mixed feelings about the way we currently perceive aging women and how women interact with each other. Beauty standards and pressure to be beautiful is disrupting completion of secret feminist “Sisterhood Project" and I dream of the time when we put those standards behind us, giving space to more inclusive and realistic idea of beauty.

Written by Innana

and inspired by "The Beauty Myth" by Naomi Wolf